Whew. I feel all dusted and dirted and faded away.
The trip home from Kona was long and tedious. I cannot figure out, for the life of me, why airplanes oversell their seats. It brings me great displeasure to sit, at each and every connection, for a spare hour or more, listening to airlines demand that a handful of us give up our seats and take a later flight. I usually enjoy the leisure time between connections what with the bag of books I usually carry with me and the overindulgence in expensive espresso beverages I imbibe between flights. But this, this flight home from Hawaii drained me severely and I find myself not quite ready to face the world. Humbug.
I’ve been curled up with my baking tins, sewing machine and quilts recovering from the trauma of air travel and taking a quick holiday from my holiday before school beings and the
Plume-hits-the-fan!
In terms of new resolves for the year 2010 I don’t have many. Just one in particular, because I think it can be the root to general well being and smooth sailing. I plan to take one day of every month in the year 2010 to sit down by myself and actually evaluate my life. I want to consciously take a peek at my living, my play, my work and decide if I’m finding fulfillment in all I do. If the evaluation turns out to be poor, I want to be able to readjust the way I’m living in the hopes of avoiding stress and maximizing joi de vivre. I suppose this is all to say that I’m going to take it a month at a time. I’m going to chew everything slowly before I swallow it down and hopefully, I’ll get a full sense of the taste of life and whether or not it needs a little salt.
You’re welcome to join me, if you like.
Now-how-how for the holiday I’ve just returned from! Once I fell into restfulness on The Big Island (it took about a week or so to unwind) I found myself writing pages and pages in my journal/sketchbook — hardly able to lay my pen down when it was time to go to sleep. I wanted to record my experiences, inch by inch, wave by wave, color by color and the black ink of my pen was flowing swift and bright. But more than experiences in Hawaii, I felt a strong need to make note of life. Life here. Life there. The pulse in my fingertips and the sun on my face. The following photographs are accompanied by excerpts from my PERSONAL journal. They are ramblings. They build pieces of poems. They’re sacred and while I’m a bit nervous to give them to you, I know you’ll be gentle with them, as you always are:
December 27, 2009
For a while, I’m tempted to listen to the clatter of palm fronds and the flow of ocean on sand and stone but I plug music into my ears and turn on
quietly
quietly
quietly
Flume and it’s just Bon Iver and I swimming in grace together.
The sun is low now and sands and stone, like the galaxies, cast a universe of shadows that throw black towards the island, a slow march of the slopes of infinite crystal lattices towards night.
I march too.
Though the beat is younger in me.
Eyes and toes pointed West now.
Fingers and hearts pulling West now.
I imagine the beach and components therein are my body;
bone and weedy marrow wearing away beneath the swell of my pulse;
beneath the exchange of gasses, the conversion of DNA messages into something a reticulum can read and transport. I see. I feel the function of it all.
I understand the sway of systems.
The constant correction by steady hands at the helm.
I can see structure hovering on the horizon, perched on ancient beats, riding the swells to shore:
and then pushed back out to sea, riding currents in concentric circles,
the murmur of memorized phrases and song,
bowing down to wind and water.
A dove trails her way through the sand, she weaves her way close; the palest pink blush to her breast and always those kind eyes. I wonder how it is that I can find such ceremony in the ordinary.
December 24, 2009
There’s grace in the sea.
There’s Grace in me, and the sting of saltwater
on the soul.
December 30, 2009
Yesterday morning I looked in the mirror and realized that I haven’t done my hair in months. Aghast, I whipped out a fracas of bobby pins, teased out portions of my tresses and pinned everything up in a manner that would be pleasing to the eye of Imogen Heap. I put on a quirky outfit and proceeded to stroll around a volcano with RW. I felt, again, as though something had finally penetrated the busy and exhausting area I’ve been shut inside for the past few months…something slipped inside the door and dragged me into the light.
It sounds stupid when I read back over what I’ve written but the fact is that taking the time to do my hair and put on zany outfits are things that really make me happy. When did I stop doing it? I forgot about the mountains. I forgot about the joy of tea in the living room in the evening. The small things that make me really happy slipped right through my mind and fell right out of my heart.
I have fulfilled the wants, the desires of others but I’ve left myself out in the cold!
I’ve been failing myself as a:
woman
artist
individual
I’ve got to start somewhere, even if it’s with a hundred pack of bobby pins!
I’ve got to remember that life is meant to be lived as a whole, I don’t want to allow myself to be pushed and pulled out of balance.
Nothing will come crashing down if I take time for myself.
I say it, but do I believe it?
I
do
believe
it.
December 21, 2009
…I’m turning over stones in my neighborhood.
I follow the currents.
I sing to the tides.
December 28, 2009
I can see Robert in the distance. He is patiently casting out over rough waters. He fishes like an apostle, in faith, in faith that there’s something in the water, something to be caught. Consumed by hope.
Settled with patience.
I’m here in the sand, diving for pearls. The sun has settled in my mouth now. I’m flat on my back, evading the wind, gulping solar power down my throat in hot waves. I’m guilty.
I’m guilty of being greedy for the elements.
I want to plunge my face into that tropical fire and burn for something good and pure.
I want the ocean to quench the flames, the sand to rub the scars smooth and the wind to lick my tears away. It’s a lot to ask of this place but the palms, tall and stately, nod and clap to the possibility of it all. And still the slow sink of light over eternal glass rippled blue. And still the silhouette of Robert, waving on the rocks with the wind in his hair and a fish in his hand.
December 30, 2009
I tend to personify the sea.
I can’t decide if she’s wickedly strong, casting off bunches of coral
and shells in a moment of rage.
Or if it’s a gentle hand she uses to push coral crowns and ocean bones to shore.
Either way, I’m a tomb raider or a foster home for rejected but good bones…Robert has given me a 10 pound limit when it comes to transporting beach treasures home to Idaho. I’d better start whittling down the current collection.
January 1, 2010
when i open my mouth
kindness will flow forth
like the fuchsia flames
of bougainvillea vines
December 31, 2009
All I can think about, when collecting treasures on the beach, is how I’ll use these bits and pieces, how I’ll incorporate the soul of these things into some new and powerful talisman that rejoices in the genius behind creation; talismans that bear with them, softly and pungently, the essence and verve of the sea. This is all to say that there’s a very conscious movement of my hand and mind each time I pick up a piece of calcium carbonate detritus fro the sand and rocks and stow it away in my pocket. I’m not taking things from the shore of the sea as acts of possessiveness but because there’s a grand and luminous scheme on the tip of my mind when it comes to incorporating these beautiful bits of ocean trash into beautiful and whole things. I want to extend the lifespan of the things I collect, even though they are long dead.
I want to use these collected pieces of shell and stone to record my experiences on this trip and in life in general. Is this when making art becomes story telling? If so, gather round the fire, I have tales for you. I have something sacred for you. Will you promise to pass the story on?
I just imagine.
I just tell myself it’s the
doggone, glorious truth that a small,
sharp shard of coral has a destiny to fulfil
in Idaho and then I get a little
thrill.
January 2, 2010
Yesterday, a pilgrimage to the Captain Cook Monument! The reef life there is so beautiful and varied. The water is warm and gentle and the clarity, in my humble opinion, is quiet sufficient but best of all, the reef drops away deftly and swiftly into open, clear blue depths towards the center of the bay. I was inclined to hover there, over top of that topographical situation that leads the ocean away from the shore and into something much more serious. It was a fish spangled space and not unlike the sky with gold plated shafts of sunlight breaking through the fine chop and delicate swells above to illuminate the dark, predator shapes of larger fishes beyond my snorkeling abilities. I was content to hover there, on the brink, and take in the space; an unfolded and unfolding ocean in full dimension, dropping away beneath my bare and awkward human limbs into some unknown space of darkness I’ll most likely fail to explore in my lifetime. It’s a fascinating experience to be entirely out of one’s element. Literally. I am a land dweller. I’m perfectly experienced when it comes to the full force of gravity on my body, the power of the sun, and the push of the wind. Those are the elements I know. I was born into them and they uphold me.
But this ocean.
This ocean , which has been an acquaintance for so long, has become a surrogate element for me. A watery cradle. When I cry out for more, it is seemingly endless in flow. For this reason, I have engendered her, I call her SHE.
I have visited the ocean before.
I have dipped my body in the sea in Spain, France, The Netherlands, The United Kingdom, Canada, The Pacific Coast of the United States, New Zealand, Australia and Alaska. For the most part, until now, I’ve only ever known her as a dark and icy cold space. I have feared her weedy waters and dark eyes. The ocean of Hawaii has been a different experience and I liken her to the twin sister who was born with flaxen hair, gentle eyes and long graceful fingers. She is kind and patient and a wonderful teacher.
These thoughts are by no means scientific and relate only to my personal experiences. I know there are beautiful, warm seas to be found world wide but until I make my way to them, the water of Hawaii holds my heart.
_____________________________________________________
And that’s that!
My experiences were too great to ever fully record with paper and pen
but thankfully, my heart has a photographic memory and I
carry it all, one way or another and that which won’t make its way out in ink on paper will manifest itself in silver and stone. This I am sure of.
I love RW more than ever.
I love my home in Idaho more than ever.
I love you more than ever.
Happy New Year!
Enter in, enter in 2010.
We’re ready for you.
Let us begin!
With abiding affection,
The Noisy Plume
Remarkable…and you are indeed lighted from within…with a grace that is unusual in a woman at your age and stage of life. Truly.
A wise, kind and brilliant man once said this to me:
"I wish for you a lifetime that is frequently happy, rarely sad, occasionally exciting—BUT mostly just quietly satisfying".
That man was my late, beloved dad.
I pass that sentiment on to you…as I have to a very few precious people in my life. It means that much to me.
Aloha,
heath
Welcome back Jillian! I wish I could get my thoughts out on paper as eloquently as you can, you are a gem in every sense!
Your trip sounds magnificent, enlightening and soul satisfying 🙂
jaime
I wish that I could give you a big squeezy hug. I'm wiping tears from my eyes and smiling at the same time.
Thank you for sharing your words and pictures with us.
love you!
Wow! Your words and pictures always encourage and inspire me. Thank you for sharing your life with us! You are truly amazing!
~Molly~
your words are beautiful to me.
I need, so desperately, to buy that pack of bobby pins alongside you.
I understand at what risk you placed your words on this screen, and I find you both brave and breath-takingly beautiful.
I'm glad your home.
p.s. do you make in person coral deliveries?
Bless your sweet soul, thank you for sharing.
oh jilly…so glad this experience gave you what you needed. it's great to feel refreshed – i hope i get that on my upcoming trip too. and thanks for showing us your words – so brave of you. thanks for trusting us.
most importantly, i'm so excited to see what kind of amazing things come out of this in terms of tangible art…sending you big hugs from the sasky deepfreeze!
xoxoxo
j
Beautiful, thank you for sharing.
wow, thank you so much for trusting and sharing your words, your experiences and your love.
xxx
Thank you for sharing your wondrous adventure with us! I feel the layovers and the transition of it all as a wear, yet you have thrived, and found the advantage to it the ordeal… just as you always do eventually!
Missed you plenty, glad you are home…
Safe.
Surrounded by those who love you.
M
what a magical and cleansing experience…i'm swept up in reflection.
thank you for taking the time and sharing such personal notes, truly lovely.
happy two-thousand-ten, plume!
Plume – you are a breath of air.
Words to warm the heart and photos to bring me home…home to where I lived for 11 years…I suppose you simply see why. Thank you for sharing and for your thoughts on the New Year idea, I like it and just might have to do the same.
Glad you are home safe and can't wait to see what is to come!
Go gently and have fun.
Still Lily
Nothing like a heart with photographic memory, and yours certainly does. Thank you for sharing, pictures, thoughts and emotions. Amazing how tiny flecks that we are, we can still have so much within us.
Delightful to see you again, and to read you.
xox
thank you for this, my favorite idahoian. funny…i just wrote a correspondence that asked you what you would be doing to care for yourself this year. i think a monthly "check-in" will be so wonderful in keeping those anxious, exhausting thoughts at bay and usher in true rest and the truest work.
in march, we'll have been friends for 3 years.
…let's have a shindig.
while you were off to the islands
I hope you looked beneath the waves.
I hope you saw a sea turtle.
what an exceptional, epic, honest post. thank you for sharing your journey of self. I love your plan for 2010, of looking inward, and evaluation. of taking the time to pin up your hair and put on an inspirational outfit.
for me, 2010 is all about daily beachwalks, learning more skills, being sweeter, getting ready for each day. I might adopt the idea of a deep monthly evaluation. that's just brilliant.
Lovely Words.
Stopping to pay attention every month is a fabulous idea. Otherwise we tend to drift…
I wish you more of the best in 2010.
xo
Andrea
Oh gosh.
The turtles.
I have 4 pages committed to turtles in my journal (this is a large journal by the way and a full page is the size of a standard piece of printer paper). Swimmy swimmy turtle eyes chomp chomp on the limu.
Oh dear God, you have taken my breath away. Thanks to you and your beautiful soul and the magic scratching of your pen.
xoxo
welcome home noisy plume! i love your resolution. i've heard of having a "state of the union" with your partner on a recurring basis but hadn't thought of it with one's self! happy new year to you! glad you are back in the blogosphere.
Beautiful.
It is exhausting reading the fullness that comes through your every intent.
You seem so free to live your life.
Happy New Year, Plume and to the rest of the gables.
thank you for sharing this inspiration from the big island. your thoughts are as beautiful as your jewels.
i head there in a week, from Montana, looking for much of the same head-clearing and focus-finding. i'm hopeful i'll find just what i need.
…I'm sure you will too:)
Carpe diem. To take one day might be delightful…to take all of them, Miss Plume. Now, that would be sheer bliss. Here's to celebrating all 365 in 2010!
dear plume: thank you for sharing, as always. here's to a fabulous year!
Ahhhh, Ms. Plume……You've done it again. Thank you for the beautiful words and stimulation. My Daddy always had a saying, "Don't say I will, do it now." I never understood that as a child but I certainly do now. My pledge to myself for 2010 is to take care of me and my soul. At first I thought that was very selfish but as I continued to read your words, I realized that if we don't take care of us, who will?? Here's to all of us in 2010 and may we all enjoy the peacefulness of ones self. Hugs and welcome home Plummy – we all missed you terribly!! Sal
I'm so glad you shared. I miss Hawaii, so it was a pleasure to sneak a peek. Good to have you back, though!
You LOOK like a seahorse
in the 1st pic
(in the most lovely way possible,
of course!)
Oh, my dear…. I understand in every way possible the bobby pin dilemma. We'll do lots of updos in Tucson 🙂
Love love love
Allison
Isn't it wonderful that life can be a continuous journey unfolding? I think I would like the way the ocean feels about herself in the warm waters of Hawaii.
Jillian, Are you going to be in Tucson for the Gem show??
Why yes! I will be!