My dear friend Karen woke me up this morning.
Actually, I had been laying in bed, dozing on and off, for a couple of hours; cast in and out of sleep by birdsong and dappled sunlight. Karen knocked on the front door and told me to come to her house for coffee and cake. I agreed and then promptly gave her a garden tour whilst in my nightgown.
She has a lovely front veranda for sitting and sipping. The coffee went down slow and easy and we made breakfast out of blueberry cheesecake while our dogs romped about in her backyard. We discussed the weather, our perennials, our men and our dogs, among other things.
I spent the afternoon toiling in my yard. It was sunny! I cut flowers for vases. I reacquainted myself with the lawnmower and whippersnipper. I weeded, irrigated, watered, weeded again, moved the chicken ark, planted seeds and sniffed every single iris blossom I could find. I stretched out in the grass with Penelope and Mister Pinkerton and took the time to feel the sun on my back.
After baking a loaf of banana bread, while waiting out a blustery storm, I walked the dogs through my side of town. I picked more lilacs. I watched the sky.
And when I returned home, I finished unpacking my bags and boxes from my recent whirlwind trip. I dusted a bookshelf or two, arranged my pretty things on shelves and sat down to write this:
Journal Entry: June 6, 2010
The good news is there is no such thing as failure in art. That is, there is no such thing as failure when I sit down to create as long as my work is truly an outpouring of what is inside me. The goal is self expression. The goal is the interpretation and translation of my personality, my emotions and the world around me. Of course. Of course I want the outcome to be aesthetically lovely but not all parts of me ARE lovely. I am fallible. I am human. There is darkness here. Some of my attempts will fall flat or be classified as ugly and there’s a truth to be found even in those attempts. So why do I fear them?
Why do I fear the truth of them?
Why do I fear the darkness when there is so much sureness in the light and when I give voice to those voids, those terrors, those fears, are not they flooded with grace and understanding and light? To even attempt to convey them in metal and stone is to take them out of their hiding places and turn them slowly in my hands, in the pureness of light.
The thing is, it’s ok.
It’s ok to fail, if failure means I make something that represents ugliness and brokenness. Those are real things and if they pour out of me in a moment of despair, giving structure to THAT moment and those emotions is a very real thing. The beauty in this creation is the illumination of fear. The dissolution of fear.
The courage it takes when facing my demons, calling those demons out by name, and watching them dismantle under the power of grace and truth.
There is only rejoicing here:
The thick and thin of exploration, self awareness, inspiration.
The process.
Those two loves I must give: for my neighbor, for my God.
The dissection of everything in between.
And the growth that comes with all of these things.
Always reaching.
I’ve been so comfortable these past few months.
It’s time to push harder, to carve deeper, to break barriers and include
past fragments in new forms, structures and concepts. I’m up for the task, even if I’m down for the count.
_________________________________________________________
I’ve been so afraid, this week past.
Afraid to begin again.
Afraid of my studio space.
Afraid of my ideas.
But I’m not frightened anymore.
Even the darkness can amount to light.
If you’ve been afraid, call it by name, bring it forth, understand it and fling it into the light where it can be no more.
I hope you had beautiful weekends.
Thank you for your sweet congratulations for my darling smokejumper!
See you tomorrow.
xx
The Noisy Plume
I almost called you no less than three times today.
I'm sorry I didn't. But I'm glad I didn't because I think I need to let you write, then decide to share these words. RIght here, right now. In honesty. In the knowledge that others fear those same [previously] nameless terrors. Like me.
You are my kindred.
Before I even reached the writing on this post, I was forming my comment based on the captivating pictures. I just wanted to say that you've outdone yourself, capturing your soul on camera. And for a bird with such a great wingspan…this is magical indeed.
But then I arrived at the words.
You've literally stolen my breath, quickened my heart to hear the wisdom that came rushing into my scared, very scared little heart.
I am yours.
You are mine.
We are theirs.
They are ours.
Just a few short weeks.
Tonight, I love you more than ever.
Oh Jillian, fear is such a strong emotion I NEVER know how to approach it. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and strength. I can now face the fear I feel now and then and hopefully conquer it one more time. Hugs to you and RW. Hugs to you too UmberDove and my prayers go out to all:O) XXOO Sally
by nature of being thrown out into the light, those fears transform. they have to, as fears by very nature are not used to breathing oxygen….so though, they do not turn into beauty, necessarily, they do turn into something else. Something with a name. And when a fear has a name, it means you can call it out….
and that,friend, is true power….
so…I am surely babbling here, but I know you know what I mean….( Umber has a painting, "Out of my Destiny" that says it all)….
but what an artist does, is throw it out into the light…the good the, bad and the 'ugly'…..but we are not being 'ugly', just speaking the truth….and that is our job, to live out loud…..
remember, in the 'olden days' ( my childhood, hee-hee) folks who could make things were sort of considered seers…
and now I am gonna shut up and go get some coffee!
ox K
Jillybean, the only real fear for the artist is not honoring the materials or not losing self in the process. These are often twins of our frustration.
Spoken like a true artist, which, of course, you are–in just about every medium you wield, or walk or fly or swim.
The fear is part of the process. One NEEDS that fear. Fear holds a great energy captive.
Even more than dark-lurking, that fear is anaerobic. One's own honesty (and honesty you do have in abundance) sheds light and air. There's a creative combustion that occurs when one's honest grit engages one's fears…only then, often after hard struggle, do those glorious hot productive chain reactions occur.
Ben Shahn spoke of "the long artistic tug of war between idea and image" as a dialectical struggle between concept and action. There's that, and then there's the flashpoint as one's brave flint strikes fear.
The phrase, "Fear not fear, for fear precedes…" just popped into mind, but in fact that's not altogether right. One does need that fear to create the flash.
This is a free-association off what you wrote…you do inspire me! Make any sense to you?
Love,
D
Jillian, fear can cripple, I can so relate to what you wrote. Thanks for sharing dear girl! My muse is hiding, I know because I'm hiding her…
i love you as always. you know what i want to know though? where did you get those pale pink/beige irises?! those are beauties.
best monday to you…i hope you feel more settled today
xoxo
the capturing of a summers day – double sigh 🙂
Once again your words of honesty, passion, and self reach each and every one of us –
a horizon is forming…
xox – always!
-lulu
You too are a smokejumper.
xx
fear…that awful four letter word…i think you need not fear mademoiselle! : ) I envy your turquoise colored skies!
xx
What a fantastic, and insightful post. Thank you for sharing it.
can't wait to see some of these sights in real life…
fear – it shows you where you need to go…
Thank heavens for Edison (though some say nay, it was Davy)…Keeping Humans from the dark side for over 100 years…
Great post Plume.
Failure is essential to growth and greatness. Though I think you are closer to these than most…
xo
Andrea
How kind time is, altering space / so nothing stays wrong; and light, / more new light, always arrives.
~Spencer Reece
The pictures, the activities, the fear. They are all beautiful!
I woke up early yesterday and baked my first rhubarb dessert. I thought of you… "Oh, remember Jillian one time posted a picture of rhubarb," said my brain. "It must not be extremely difficult to handle this veggie-fruit." So I lost my fear and whipped, mixed, waited… it was magical.
Thanks again for sharing such beautiful thoughts. They run through all of us, yet not all can express them so eloquently.