Note: This is a collection of my writings from my personal journal. A lot of it is thinking out loud, sorting through thoughts, processing the world around me with paper and pen. I share it with you because I think you’ll understand and relate to some of my ponderings. I’ve shared carefully here and know you will be careful in return. Thank you!
Love, JSL
It’s morning now. It’s cold. I can hear a cacophony of bird music breezing through the Douglas firs and the wind is singing careful arias in the aspen groves. Crescendo. Diminuendo. My hands are freezing. Each fingertip is an ice cap drifting on friction melted waters across the white of this page. And now the staccato of a woodpecker. How lucky am I to hear this symphony? How well it matches the score of my heart.
I’m brewing a second pot of Earl Grey, just to stay warm. Thank God the sun is just within reach of where I sit. As soon as it crested the top of Scout Mountain I could feel the air temperature swirling with warmth; like adding hot water to a cold bath. Ah. There now. A fresh cup of tea for my hands.
Penelope and I have been for a long walk and back. She looks like a small red pony galloping about in a tall Northern jungle. At one point, she located a handful of ruffed grouse that burst into flight and drummed deeper into the forest to escape her ferocity. At a bend in the trail, we stumbled into a few free range heifers. When they saw me they turned and trotted deeper into an aspen grove. With all the crashing and crackling of grasses and bush, Penelope was terrified and galloped down the trail, shrieking at the top of her lungs, until she was around the next bend and out of sight. Some watch dog. She’s all bark and no bite. I wonder what she feels when she is fearful. Is there the same thrumming of the heart that I experience? Is she grateful when I pick her up and speak those fears away — quietly and carefully?
The light here, as all morning light is, has been so soft and blue. It’s been easy to fill the memory card on my camera while sifting through the bits of detritus on the forest floor.
Each berry, each leaf is so delicate and unique. I want to honor each one with every individual image I capture. Each thing I see, each magical dapple of sunlight drifting down from a yellowing aspen crown, deserves to be remembered for the sacredness of its immaculate and unique design.
In the same way, I want everything I create to be uniquely concocted, special in its own right, worth claiming, collecting, cherishing, loving. I don’t think that’s too much to ask of myself as a creative person if indeed I do believe that my desire to create is a reflection of God’s ability to create. I look around and all is so good. There’s a crumbling humbling going on inside my chest. Who am I. What am I. This grace. This grace. I’m a child on my knees. There’s a bloom of faith.
I try to see the world around me fully; the detail, texture and holiness of each leaf, bug, branch, bird, fish and beast. I can’t help but want to catch everything in my hands in an attempt to cure this zealous curiosity that boils beneath the veneer of my senses. Is that wrong? In light of recent blog commenter harassment over catching and releasing fish, is it healthy to quench my curiosity? Is it healthy to allow my curiosity to go unquenched? Is it wrong for me, for my species, to interact so fully with nature, even if I’m graceful and careful in my quest?
Now the aspens are lit gold in the pour of sunshine through conifer. Penelope has climbed inside my down jacket and is keeping my core warm. The wind is moving through the wild rose bushes, swinging the rose hips like lady dancers on a light hearted stage. I’ve collected a bag of rose hips, the largest rose hips I’ve seen in all my life, to go in herbal teas this winter. I’d also love to encase a few in resin. Their color and shape is so sublime, organic, fresh and sensual. In point of fact, I’d like to encase this moment in this space beneath resin. I’ll wear it over my heart to help lighten the load on heavy days.
I can hear a shotgun pounding in the distance, every now and then. It’s Robert and Farley collecting dinner for our table tonight. How magnificent is that? To interact with nature this morning, to take what we need to feed our bodies and souls, and then to return to town, to the business at hand, to the grapes and plums staining the counter tops and splashing about until they find themselves locked tight in canning jars and sitting quietly on a pantry shelf until some cold day in winter we draw them out and sustain ourselves on their sun spun wholesomeness.
Oh. The wind. The wind. I find it remarkable that there are people in the world who have never heard the wind sigh like this, who have never been without the incessant white noise of the city. Urban living is beautiful and ripe with convenience and the steady flow of humanity! I sometimes fear I am out of touch with humanity. Has it hardened me, this hermit life, has it made me less compassionate towards humans? I’m removed from the scenes that present themselves to city dwellers. The homeless, the addicted, the impoverished. The living, begging and stealing of the streets; people selling all that they have, even their bodies, to feed themselves, clothe themselves, secure their next fixes. I don’t see them. Does it mean I don’t love them? Does it mean it isn’t my problem or I don’t care? Since I live in a wild space which is, ecologically speaking, just as vulnerable as a human being, is caring for this space my compassionate duty? Is this my responsibility instead? Do I tend to this space the way I would a broken person in a back alley? Is it right to see nature this way? If I need to do more as a human, for other humans, how else can I go about it besides sending money to organizations? I love elk. I love wolves. I love jackrabbits. But I need to love people too. We all need to love people. That’s where unity is. It’s not enough to just tolerate the existence of others, everybody needs love. I’m working on this concept constantly.
Last night, after the sun set, I looked up at the sky, imagined myself plucking a star as one would an apple. There are so many up there, burning and twinkling, which would I choose and would it be selfish to keep it under glass in the living room? Could I find a bell jar big enough for my pet celestial? The moon offered a bright silver pulse of light into the small morning hours. The window at my back, in the van, was open and thrust cool sheets of breeze down the small openings of my sleeping bag.
I didn’t sleep enough last night but I feel so refreshed this morning.
I haven’t showered but I feel so damn clean.
Robert is back now. Farley too. Happy. Manly. With birds in hand; probably the prettiest grouse in existence. RW and Farley have taken four of these beauties for our dinner table for the week and it was hard work and a fair fight. They look exhausted after hiking up to the top ridge of the mountain where a Douglas fir crown grows on nearly vertical slope to find this bird and bring it home.
I’ve just finished inspecting this large male up close. I turned him over and over in my hands, taking in his mustard yellow eyelids, his underwing feathers, his tail feathers….everything about him I took in slowly and carefully. Such a beautiful bird… I’m humbled by this harvest and totally blessed to be taking the energy of this animal into my body. There’s something so holy about hunting to eat, the effort of the work involved, the skill and courage it takes to so carefully end the life of a living thing. I feel so sad. I feel so thankful. Does everything always have to be so complicated?
In a few moments we’ll load up Talulah and coast down the mountain and into town. To ensure I return soon, I’m going to leave a small wedge of my heart behind. I’ll tether it to a tree and come back to tend it from time to time. It will be safe in these woods. Surely. It will be safe.
Oh J…
I have poured over this post and the photos wrapped inside of it….I ADORE EVERY WORD. But the photos! OH MY GOLLY MISS MOLLY! beautiful…infact they feel as if in a dream of a mixture of Andy Goldsworthy and glitter in the wind…and of course you. Bravo to you for these words and photos…you have out done yourself this time my friend.
Pouring amber thoughts your way. I need to get back into the woods and up the mountains. xoxo
Lovely. Complicated. Yin and yang, darkness and light, good and evil…
Part of one whole.
You are close to the light. Protect that.
Sybann
(something other than a mug… hee)
Gorgeous Photos, and Beautiful words… Your thoughts so very lovely.. You are such a Beautiful, wonderful and caring person. š
I love that you share such personal thoughts with us. It's so interesting to see your world through your lens. Beautiful photography (and I particularly adore the cup you had your tea in).
Hello again to your golden light-filled soul, why surely you must know you have aided humankind? A community of people have formed whose hearts have opened up to one another; in times of stress, pain, illness and joy we give thoughts, wishes, prayers like wisps of curling smoke to one another. That is your handiwork my friend, thank you for all you do JSL, your open heart is such a treasure.
J, if we were all free to do good doing what we do best, the world would instantly be a better place. By loving and caring for nature, you're doing your part for Homo sapiens, because Homo sapiens is part of nature. (Alas, many individuals of this species don't realize this.)
How is hunting to eat or catch-and-release fishing (which entails specific procedures and skills to avoid harming the fish) different from a family of wolves harvesting their meal or a lion cub learning what to hunt by investigating live prey her mother brings home? Curiosity is part of nature, and, carefully followed, teaches us how to behave in nature.
And yep, so many things in life are that complicated…and sometimes plain, and sometimes both.
Beautiful writing, bird.
x
D
Oh JSL.
yes. nothing is needed other than that single syllable.
ā„
What a beautiful post, from a beautiful person.
Your words are like a sermon to me.
Thank you for sharing.
Earl Grey in the woods….brilliant.
Your words and your photos have lifted my spirits on more than one occasion and for that I am very grateful.
I look forward to your next post!
Woman,
it is so easy to adore you.
I think that you are loving on the people who read this blog by sharing your life, talent, and faith with us. Your posts have encouraged me numerous times :).
DId you buy a new lens?
what are you using for these. The picture are gorgeous!!
lovely photos and gatherings of words and feelings.
little penelope.
my heart goes out to her because i know how "all bark no bite" translates from a dachshund.
little ziggy is partly "long dog" and he reacts in the same manner, has the same expressions i see on little penelope.
My dear JL, I love you and your beautiful thoughts and words. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us. Reading your blog is always like a lesson in life and love and goodness and reality….Hugs, Sal
p.s. my word verification for this blog is:lingo:O)
I think I'll be carrying this post in my heart for a little while, if that's alright.
It feels good in there.
love love love…
it's so open and honest and trusting.
thanks, j. bean
J, I read everything you post. And that's a lot. But I do it because I know that if I visit your blog, I will experience something beautiful. (Confession: I always feel a bit of envy, as a photographer and writer, because taking even one of the photos on your page or writing even one of your beautiful sentences would be enough to satisfy me, and your pages are overflowing with them!)
I think I'm living vicariously through you. At least once a week, I have an urge to leave the city and live in the middle of nowhere and discover beautiful things with my camera and write about them. But at least three times a week, I discover and rediscover beautiful aspects of people in my neighborhood who are totally written off by the majority of the world, and I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I don't know if this helps, but know that you're indirectly supporting the poor and the addicted in Vancouver by supporting one of their pastors – keeping my imagination and my thirst for beauty alive. So keep living in Idaho and doing what you're called to do, and asking big questions. And if you ever want to live vicariously through me and find the beauty in the gritty city, you're more than welcome to check out my blog, though I write about 20 times less often than you! It can be a vicarious trade-off.
Lots of love,
Beth
oh Gillian, your beautiful photos and free flowing words never cease to bring me peace and joy.
thank you for sharing these deep thoughts from your heart ;o)
Thank you!
Is this the sort of sunlight you pour into the page every day?
(Consider me jealous.)
Thank you for writing beautiful posts. Sometimes this city, this school, this job, these people, are too much for me. I usually need to remember whatever you've put up.
dearest plume,
your trust, honesty, and pure reflection is transcribed so beautifully.
you exude such an artistic brilliance in all areas of life!
love&light,
-lulu
Mei: Thank you for reading it and for loving it! I hope it brings your heart home to the space of Idaho and Wyo, if just for a second. Stay dry out there! xxx
Cat: Catching those honey thoughts in a wee glass jar. I'll put them on toast tomorrow morning. x
Sybil: I WILL protect it. And fear not, anything you EVER make me will be used and adored! xxx
Juli: Thank you for thinking so! Now I must work pure and hard to make it true! xxxx
Jen: That cup came from a dear friend of mine around Christmas time last year. I can't tell you who the artist is who makes them, unfortunately. But it's a gorgeous cup and has a lovely feel in the hands. x
Taddy: I cannot tell you how relieved I felt when I read this. You're right. This is my community — the one I am responsible for loving and connecting with. This is where my work is. And my work is the delight of my heart. xx
D: You always speak with wisdom and intelligence. Thank you. Sending you love. x
Umber: x
Lilla: I'm so glad to see you here. Sending you love from Idaho. xx
Cinder: š Earl Grey in the woods inDEED! Every place can use the glory of a refined cup of tea. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lara: I look forward to writing it, for you, for everyone, for myself, for the future when I feel like looking to the past. xx
Michaela: You're back! I've missed you so! xo
Brenda: And your responses have encouraged me more times that there are stars in the sky. Thank you for being part of my world. I love having you in it. Truly. xx
Melissa: GUFFAW! You always ask about my lens. No. Same lens. š x
Marie: You're right. It is a "long dog" thing:) I'll be sure to do her biting for her, if the need arises:) xx
Sal: Oh lovely you. I demand, DEMAND, dinner again this winter. You're the salt of the earth and being friends with you gives my life flavor. xx
Fawn: Of course, that's a very safe place to keep this. Thank you for carrying it with you. x
Janet: Thank you for being trustworthy, you wonderful gal. x
Beth: Well this made me cry. It does my heart very good, indeed to know that I'm supporting you in YOUR work by writing and photographing and creating. Thank you for letting me lend a hand, I'll help shoulder the load, from here. You're on the edge of my heart, mind and prayers. Always. Keep loving those people, as much as you can. xx
Esther: Sending you so much love. Thank you for being here, for hearing me, for reading my words and seeing the work of my hands for what it really is. xx
Alison: Thank you, too. x
Lizzy: No. There are dry times. There are dark times. But on this day, the joy of God filled my heart and my pen poured forth only golden silk, despite the questions of my heart. Despite the complexity of my emotions. Despite the world, just beyond. Don't give up, sister. Don't give up. x
Lulu: I love it when you send me love and light. I can feel is settle in my bones. xx
Thank you ALL for these extremely gracious comments. You set my world spinning. You're better than dark chocolate.x
Mei: Thank you for reading it and for loving it! I hope it brings your heart home to the space of Idaho and Wyo, if just for a second. Stay dry out there! xxx
Cat: Catching those honey thoughts in a wee glass jar. I'll put them on toast tomorrow morning. x
Sybil: I WILL protect it. And fear not, anything you EVER make me will be used and adored! xxx
Juli: Thank you for thinking so! Now I must work pure and hard to make it true! xxxx
Jen: That cup came from a dear friend of mine around Christmas time last year. I can't tell you who the artist is who makes them, unfortunately. But it's a gorgeous cup and has a lovely feel in the hands. x
Taddy: I cannot tell you how relieved I felt when I read this. You're right. This is my community — the one I am responsible for loving and connecting with. This is where my work is. And my work is the delight of my heart. xx
D: You always speak with wisdom and intelligence. Thank you. Sending you love. x
Umber: x
Lilla: I'm so glad to see you here. Sending you love from Idaho. xx
Cinder: š Earl Grey in the woods inDEED! Every place can use the glory of a refined cup of tea. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lara: I look forward to writing it, for you, for everyone, for myself, for the future when I feel like looking to the past. xx
Michaela: You're back! I've missed you so! xo
Brenda: And your responses have encouraged me more times that there are stars in the sky. Thank you for being part of my world. I love having you in it. Truly. xx
Melissa: GUFFAW! You always ask about my lens. No. Same lens. š x
Marie: You're right. It is a "long dog" thing:) I'll be sure to do her biting for her, if the need arises:) xx
Sal: Oh lovely you. I demand, DEMAND, dinner again this winter. You're the salt of the earth and being friends with you gives my life flavor. xx
Fawn: Of course, that's a very safe place to keep this. Thank you for carrying it with you. x
Janet: Thank you for being trustworthy, you wonderful gal. x
Beth: Well this made me cry. It does my heart very good, indeed to know that I'm supporting you in YOUR work by writing and photographing and creating. Thank you for letting me lend a hand, I'll help shoulder the load, from here. You're on the edge of my heart, mind and prayers. Always. Keep loving those people, as much as you can. xx
Esther: Sending you so much love. Thank you for being here, for hearing me, for reading my words and seeing the work of my hands for what it really is. xx
Alison: Thank you, too. x
Lizzy: No. There are dry times. There are dark times. But on this day, the joy of God filled my heart and my pen poured forth only golden silk, despite the questions of my heart. Despite the complexity of my emotions. Despite the world, just beyond. Don't give up, sister. Don't give up. x
Lulu: I love it when you send me love and light. I can feel is settle in my bones. xx
Thank you ALL for these extremely gracious comments. You set my world spinning. You're better than dark chocolate.x
Dear Jillian,
Reading your blog is causing me to fall in love with my home, my husband, and nature all over again. I am so grateful for your generous spirit.
GOOD!
That's the way it should be.
Thanks, Tracy, for this comment. I'm floored by it.
xx
…it will be safe…in those woods…it will be…
for all the forest creatures will lovingly care for that wedge of you as if it were their own…& it is…theirs. ours.
…& with the soul of a mountain lion, i will be there, right next to you…purring in your grace.
your words make my heart leap and grow thrice in size. if only i could drink the sky and kiss the earth from within the city! you never stop inspiring me – thank you, dear jillian.
Nancy Lion: What key do you purr in???
Lindsay: There's beauty in the city too, you just have to dig down a little deeper to find it sometimes. š xx
Okay. So I finally got some good quality time to sit down and completely adsorb and properly read this post…
I want to sincerely thank you for this post, J.
So. Much.
I am torn too. About nature vs the concrete streets… You have a way with words, pictures and all mediums that are ultimately creative. This is your journey. And I love that you share it with the world. I love that you and RW love nature. And how you both treat it with the UTTER respect that it absolutely deserves. Anybody with the experience of living in the "bush" will tell you this much. You are rare. And you are a graceful willow in the wind (so I consider).
xoxo
PS-my fave picture is the one of the birch bark tree trunk looking up to the fuzziness of the leaves…A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. Have you thought about selling your beautiful pictures?? :o)
V: Thank you SO much for this note. Seriously. Just what I needed to read today. Thanks for seeing me — the true me — and for hearing me. I appreciate that very much.
As for prints of my photos, I'll have some for sale in the Etsy shop on October 1, in postcard format. The image of the aspen tree from this post will be one of many offered.
xx
what an absolutely gorgeous blog, photography and writings. I imagine you must be a lovely person to know. I very much look forward to a closer look in spare moments to come.
I always think of you two when I drink Earl Gray. Which is RIGHT NOW. Miss you.