I was a late bloomer.

:::Personal Journal Entry:::
October 30, 2010
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I’ve been a late bloomer most of my life.  I suppose it’s better than being wildly precocious as so many girls are these days.  When I remember awkward late bloomer moments from my younger years I often cringe, shiver in embarrassment and wish I could take moments back; draw them in as though they’re attached to thin silver lines.  I want to draw them across the water of my memories, pull them from the lake of the past and lay them down as fragments of fuel on the fire I’m camped beside.

The only consolation is that we all have pasts riddled with some sort of “late bloomership” — if you can call the personal development of any one person late, early or right on track.  The even greater consolation is that there are people out there who will give me second chances.  For some reason, my strange and appalling awkwardness isn’t as fresh in their memories and they haven’t tethered me to the pillar of who I used to be.  As I said recently, I’m not who I was.  Things have changed me.  Relationships have changed me.
 Just like anyone else, I know and have known people who are nice and people who are not so nice.  I’m leaving space in those relationships — room for others to appear as they truly are now.  Time has passed.  Do I even know them anymore?  Aren’t we mere acquaintances, more often than not – constantly realizing who the other is and is not — if we allow our opinions to reform?  That is, if we allow each other such graces and such spaces to discover, constantly, our developing identities.

Of course, we occasionally run into situations where others are not developing.  They’re the same as they were ten years ago.  They haven’t changed a bit.  They’re tied in place by their past, weighed down with emotional baggage, content to lay about listlessly in stagnant and stinking waters.  There’s not much we can do in situations like these except hope that some impetus wakes those individuals from their shadowy lives and begins to move them out of those old selves and into the new.
 I suppose this is all to say that I want to give people space; room to grow.  I don’t want to be guilty of holding others in a places they used to be.  And I want others to give me this same space, room to grow, room to develop further still into who I am to be.  I want them to know who I am now, not who I was when I threw that truly awkward tea party for my 21st birthday (Mum made me, please believe me.).
 I want to move out of the shadows and into the light.  I want to help others to do the same.  It requires wiping slates clean.  Continuously.  Forgiveness.  Being met halfway by others who are willing to reveal and build new bridges to new places.  Bridges that suit exactly who we are, as individuals.  Bridges that suit our contact and the level of vulnerability we share with each other.

The relationships I don’t tolerate very well any more (like they’re a sort of food that upsets my stomach, sets my system off, throws a wrench in the ecology of my life) are the relationships where others have me tied tight to who I used to be.  They can’t see who I am now, despite all the light here.  They won’t give me the space to show them who I am.  Now.  In this space and time.

I don’t want to be an individual who galumphs through life hardly dipping my toes past the surfaces of others.  I don’t want to be afraid.  To be in relationships that are experiencing growth, to promote healthy development in others, requires walking into unknown waters — intentional movement away from the safety of the shoreline.  We need to feel that weightlessness of immersion.  We need to feel the power and sometimes the terror of the waves.  We need to feel the calm of the mornings and the quietude of grace offered to us and the descent of it on our souls.  

Our feet need to leave terra firma; we need to learn that our wings are wide.

  It takes trust.  It can be frightening!  And it takes courage.  Always courage.  But those amazing relationships that rise up out of such courage and allow for evolution are the relationships that last lifetimes.
People change.
They really do.
I want to meet them where they are.
I want to be met where I am.
If you go to where I used to be, you won’t find me.
This is who I’m becoming.
I’m very different from who I was ten years ago.
If you knew me then, if you know me know, I want you to know that I’m giving you space to become who you truly are; the you of now.  I want to be able to say, you were like THIS, but now you’re THIS!  My how you’ve grown!  I love who you’re becoming.  I’m proud of who you’re becoming.

I have a small clutch of best girlfriends who I am watching grow.  Who I am anticipating the future with.  Who I am proud of.  We spend all of our time in the deep water together; weathering storms, floating on our backs when the weather is calm.  We drift around together, out there, discovering the great unknowns.  Experimenting with our lives, because our lives depend on it.  We coach each other.  We encourage each other.  We allow each other space to grow, space to grow into new people, space to move out of people we used to be.
And I love it.
They don’t mind that I used to be a late bloomer.
They don’t mind at all.
They don’t mind because in their eyes, I’m blooming fine and right on time.

Comments

  1. Oh my. I want to say so much. But I will only just say thank you for being able to put such relating words and experiences into such beautiful poetry. xx

  2. chic beads by germaine says

    Absolutely beautiful Jillien; just like you inside and out! Though I don't know you in person, I feel I do through your art and journal entries, as I'm sure most your followers do. Thanks for the reminder that life is short and that one must continue to grow and take life as a journey. A journey to grow from and enjoy. I can't express how much I draw from you. Have a wonderful Halloween!

  3. Plume…this is a favorite quote by Thoreau whom i have the deepest admiration for…"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
    ….having been lost…has been integral in my journey to now…in understanding myself better. ♥Sue
    "Never look back unless you are planning to go that way."…Thoreau
    Love his outlook on life in general!

  4. beautiful.

  5. I shall keep your lovely thoughts in my heart and try to give the opportunity to grow for those who I have around me. Thank you very much for sharing with me the wisdom.

    Hugs

  6. Lovely. I understand people not allowing you to grow and living in the past. Wanting to pull you back and smother you with what was.

    Dala your comment was expressed beautifully!

    Kathleen

  7. Thank you so much for writing this! I too, recently, have realized that some friends from my past, especially from 5-10 years ago, are unwilling to see that I have changed. And since I cannot be who they want me to be, since I am not that person any longer, it is nearly impossible to have a friendship anymore. Love the imagery of walking into unknown waters. Beautifully expressed.

  8. Lovely wise words, indeed. You are so young and blooming nicely quite early. The past is just the experience we all need to bloom at our best. When the time is right.

  9. Felicia Lynne says

    Again, it's like your took the word right out of my mouth. I am not same person I was 8 months ago. I am not the same person I was 2 weeks ago. It is an amazing thing to always be growing and changing, always loving the way things go. And being a late bloomer is an amazing thing in and of itself.

  10. mme. bookling says

    I love swimming with you. We're the most beautiful mermaids of our soul.

  11. beautiful, poetic and gracious words…the truth is, there is no 'right time' for blossoming…we all get there when we get there…life, really, is a constant dream of unfoldings…..if you let it be….
    xo

  12. The Noisy Plume: says

    As usual….somehow…I'm friends with all the smartest and kindest people. Thanks for being bloomin' strange with me.

    xx

  13. dear j-feather plume:
    i bloom at varied rates.
    some times it's slow, other times, it's every minute a new growing experience.
    your honesty is touching:
    so purging, to lay it all bare….

    acceptance is the key.

    xx

  14. Better to bloom late than never at all. The latter is more common than you think, at least in an emotional/personal growth sense…

  15. Hello fellow late bloomer. Better to be a late bloomer than peak too early.

  16. calamityjane(t) says

    fabulous post, and oh-so-true! the gift of allowing oneself and others to grow and blossom endlessly is one of the greatest gifts known. acceptance, tolerance, non-judgment, and encouragement go right along with that.
    i must say, though, that if YOU are a late bloomer i must have been, um, compost… i'm OK with that, though, because in time compost works its own wonders and becomes so much more. i will always be working on becoming what i can be, and am loving what i see you becoming anew each day!!
    xoxo

  17. so imperative.

    most days i mutter to myself

    'she can be taught!' 😉

    day by day,
    -lu

  18. dancing cat says

    Your post and poetic language has brought tears to me eyes. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your soul.

  19. bonbons * bijoux says

    Very meaningful post.

    I love this~ " That is, if we allow each other such graces and such spaces to discover, constantly, our developing identities."

    Wonderful! xo

  20. bonbons * bijoux says

    Very meaningful post.

    I love this~ " That is, if we allow each other such graces and such spaces to discover, constantly, our developing identities."

    Wonderful! xo

  21. bonbons * bijoux says

    Very meaningful post.

    I love this~ " That is, if we allow each other such graces and such spaces to discover, constantly, our developing identities."

    Wonderful! xo

  22. Slainte! Cheers! If it weren't morning and responsibility wasn't looming for work for The Man, I'd tip one to you and your wise words.

  23. Nancy*McKay says

    …i bet,
    if you stepped out onto that very first plank of your bridge…
    & reached up
    & stretched out
    as far as you could…
    with your wingspan…
    i bet,
    you could tickle my nose…
    xoxo

  24. sylvestris says

    In my view, nothing is worse than blooming too early and drying on the vine, or being unable to shed one's skin or open one's chrysalis. These are not merely metaphors. Growth and mutation and evolution extend the horizon of possibility spiritually as well as biologically, I believe.

    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." – Dr Seuss

    😉
    xx

  25. Lizzy Derksen says

    I keep hoping I am a late bloomer.

  26. jilly beans
    I knew you then and i know you now, and I've liked you and loved you all along. I'm constantly amazed and inspired by your evolution and I so appreciate that we've been able to reconnect 'later on' in life. You're good at living life, unabashedly, like there are no limits, and I think for a lot of people (including myself) this is something to be admired and even envied. And I say, if it took awhile to get to the point where this is your way of living life, it was well worth the wait. I can't wait to see what you'll do and think and create and be. Love always from 'the great white north'
    J

  27. Lynsey Phelps - VerreEncore says

    amen to the space. the in-the-moment presence and appreciation that can allow people to be and become.

    such a refreshing perspective.
    for we cannot cling to the "what was," for surely it would prevent the "what is" and "what is to come"

    we need to dig deep and till our soil. bringing in the nutrients from around us – the relationships and experiences in our lives. and yes, the ground make break and the winters darken and freeze, but we must endure those times to grow more brilliant than the year previous.

    Jillian, thank you so much for sharing who you are and and becoming. 🙂

    xx
    Lynsey

  28. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." – Dr Seuss

    Sylvestris!

    ..this is my favorite quote ( well one of em!)..
    I have it on my fridge…everyone should…its a great mantra!

  29. Emerson, too, has an essay where he says that we are under no obligation to be who we were yesterday or to keep the opinions or beliefs we had yesterday just because we once expressed them.

  30. Thank you for putting into words what my soul has been tossing about against my insides for some time. And putting so much more eloquently than I ever could have.

  31. The Noisy Plume: says

    I love bringing discussions like this to the table with all of you. You bring so much wisdom, insight, kindness and intelligence to the discussion. Thanks, so much, everyone for taking a moment to leave a comment, or quote on this post. I love having you here.
    x

  32. tigerburningbright says

    Ah Jillian, although I don't really *know* you, I am still grateful to know you. If that makes any sense! Every time I read something you've written or a wear a piece of jewellery you've made, I'm just purely glad you're in the world. And that you open such a wide, generous window for people to look in on who you are, how you feel and what you believe.

  33. bonbons * bijoux says

    oh my gosh, if I may…
    Tigerburningbright you've written this so perfectly!

  34. bonbons * bijoux says

    oh my gosh, if I may…
    Tigerburningbright you've written this so perfectly!

  35. bonbons * bijoux says

    oh my gosh, if I may…
    Tigerburningbright you've written this so perfectly!

  36. The Noisy Plume: says

    Tiger, thank you.
    x