Everyone else is asleep in bed. I’ve been awake since 5:30.
I’ve been capturing the quiet like a dusty moth beneath the glass of a spent pickle jar.
There was an effort, a chase, the painted paper of wings against glass and then suddenly, I found the quiet in my hands, turned it over and over again, inspected and embraced it. In a short while, I’ll set the quiet free again.
Out in my studio, the world is blue. I’ve left the lights off, for the time being, I’ve been writing my morning papers with the help of cold fingers and the dampness of springtime morning drifting in the big window that faces West. The view from my chair is vast and I think again, to myself, the only reason I live here is because of all the windows that face West into sage and space. Were there houses across the street from me, I couldn’t do it.
I toss my mane. I snort a little and shuffle my hooves.
I feel my mustang heart beat inside the interlocking grip of my ribcage.
I’m working my way through a project book, The Artist’s Way. This morning, I’ve come back to a paragraph that really rings with some truth, for me:
“In retrospect, I am astounded I could let go of the drama of being a suffering artist. nothing dies harder than a bad idea. And few ideas are worse that the ones we have about art. We can charge so many things off to our sufferings-artist-identity: drunkenness, promiscuity, fiscal problems, a certain ruthlessness or self-destructiveness in matters of the heart. We all know how broke-crazy-promiscuous-unreliable artists are. And if they don’t have to be, then what’s [our] excuse?“
[Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way]
The thing I really connect with in this paragraph is the notion that artists don’t have to be tortured or self-destructive. Julia goes on to talk, throughout this book, about how a creative life can be steady, even tranquil. That we, that I, can work with an even pace, escape the roller coaster of high and low times of creative output (oh my, the creative highs are so high…the creative lows are so low). I don’t have to work myself to the bone when I feel fresh ideas are most accessible, I can work with steadiness. I can work with calm. She has this idea that I can have my creative wells filled on a daily basis, that I can recharge myself, every day, through my approach to work and life. I can work hard and long and gently and short without burning out and I can do it all without the persona of tortured-artist. Eureka! How novel!
I don’t know who it was who told me so, but this whole idea of the tortured artist truly is a bunch of bunk. I’m living my life and I’m doing creative work. It’s not rocket science. Why the turmoil? Why the torture?
I’ve grown up a lot over the past year and I can feel a heap of new, personal growth coming on strong. I’ve surplussed many wretched ideas about creativity, grown some new perspectives and I like who I am, right this instant, so much more than the me of a year ago! But there’s still so much to learn about myself and about my creative process and habit if I want to continue to sustain myself (and my family) with this work.
At any rate, before the blue light of morning runs out, I wanted to talk to you about the concept of morning pages, a term used by Julia Cameron. Every morning, this past week, I have sat down in the early hours and written three pages in my journal before beginning my day. I’ve always journaled but never every morning, first thing. Also, dedicating three whole pages, every day, is a lot of writing. I use a very large sketchbook journal and three pages, depending on my writing flow, takes some time.
I don’t always have something beautiful to say, and a lot of what I have written this week has been replete of thoughts that are rooted in insecurity and general negativity. But to pour all of that crap-filled emotion out onto paper really purifies my mind and heart before I begin my day. I’m often surprised when I glance over the writing from previous days — the content surprises me because the emotions were ugly but so fleeting! I’ve forgotten all about the things I felt, usually as soon as I write them down on paper. Sometimes, I can see that my emotions confused me or made me believe something untrue. Other times I write something beautiful and full of meaning. Either way, I’m always aware that I am writing for myself, I am my only audience, and I’m letting everything fly out of my pen tip onto paper and it might be better for me than a hot bath in my claw foot tub.
How many times, in one day, do we let ugliness take root in our hearts. When that ugliness builds up, how can we function? How can we see straight. To pour it out on paper is to free ourselves of it. I don’t feel like I need to talk to someone about my misguided emotions — especially if those emotions I share might mean that the individual receiving my words will pick the shrapnel of my talk out of their heart and soul for weeks and months. The human heart can be vulgar. The human tongue can cut deep and wound like bullets.
To free myself of my insecurities and crazy emotions before the day even begins does myself and others a kind service.
It’s not my intent to make you think I don’t have anything positive to say when I journal, on the contrary, my writing flow sometimes begins grumpy and it sometimes begins lighthearted, but no matter what, by the end of a journal entry, I often find my writing to be light and filled with beautiful concepts, even small sketches. Some days, I haven’t anything negative to say at all. The point is to write. To free yourself. To eliminate anything that might get in the way of creative flow. And it works. Try it.
It’s officially day here now and there’s much to do.
I’m wishing you such a wonderful Thursday.
Be well.
xx
The Plume
I love this post so much. So honest and so inspiring in more ways than I have words to describe. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Inspiring and timely dear Plume. The earliest hours are key for me and this sounds like a fine plan to fill 3 pages. Thank you.
The Artist's Way is just a great resource. I've been working my way through it for over a year now, picking it up in spurts, but each time I find it pushing me creatively. I've done so much highlighting of things in that book it's not even funny. Glad it's nurturing your spirit as well!
Thank you for your words and reminding me of something that used to be so natural to me to do. Floating in this sea of uncertainty had me grasping and I am reminded that I can swim! There is a lot to be said about sharing with friends, both the good and bad but it really comes down to being there for one's Self. Think I will head out today and get my Self a journal; a gift to me that seems right today. xx
I do admire and appreciate your honesty; with yourself, your emotions, and with us. It has been a pleasure watching you grow and change in the short time since I have found your site. Thank you. Thank you for being you, and sharing you with us. Enjoy the day.
o dear j-feather:
you are my hero.
i want to be just like you when i "grow up"….
x
I'm sipping a café au lait, while reading your words (that you, so beautifully engross us readers with) indeed, solely a true creative freedom.
Journaling is a mandatory element in my life, but never have I written three full page in the morning.
I'm taking it on,
-lulu
'Tis true…the whole 'tortured artist' thing is an interesting myth, eh?….the way I see it, that is a good way to burn out quickly…and all that angst simply blocks the flow of anyone's 'good stuff'….
Twyla Tharp, the dance great, wrote a book called " The Creative Habit"….it is all about creating daily ritual to keep the work flowing…without 'torture'…and is a great companion to Julia's book…because really, being an artist is more about how you develop your 'habits of mind' and less about 'drama'….
ok, I will stuff miss- teacher -self- back in the cellar now! …:) xo
Like Natalie Goldberg says (roughly), "We are becoming sane along with the work".
Good timing Plume.
Tess: Hey! Thanks for being here today girl! It's my pleasure to share these thoughts with a fellow creatrix!
Kelly: You're going to love how it clears your mind. Go for it!!!
Lindsay: I wish I'd have known about this book a year ago…that's when I really started doing some major artist self improvement!!! Glad to hear that it's been good for your soul too! I appreciate the testimony! xx
Linda: YAY! Get a BIG one!!! 🙂 xx
Brandi: Hey. I don't think we're born honest. Like a lot of things, I think we need to get in the habit of BEING honest with ourselves and others…I think being honest with oneself might be the hardest thing of all for most… You have a lovely day too. xx
Marie: HA! When I grow up I want to be like YOU! Thoughtful, slow to speak, kind and thoroughly honest. xx
Lulu: Do it and stick with it. I think it will change your life!
Kerin: Oh yes! I have that Twyla Tharp book. Also, love that you said this, "being an artist is more about how you develop your 'habits of mind' and less about 'drama'…."
Of course, I totally agree. You can teach me anytime. 🙂 xx
Lizzy: Amen. And amen again. x
oh, jillian! i adore who you are, right this instant, and am very glad that you are so generous with your words and wisdom. i may be nearly twice your age, but i learn from you every day and i love that! julia cameron/the artist's way is a wonderful resource. here's another you may find interesting, because i know you are an individual with many passions: http://www.multipassionateproductivity.com/blog/?p=299
I mentioned to you a while back I was journaling openly and how it reminded me of who I *really* am. This whole post sounds just like the conversation I had with my mom two days ago; I told her how journalling helps me open up my heart and purge any and all thoughts that might hinder me in my life. It lets me get the negativity out ( and like you, generally it is almost completely forgotten by the time I am done writing). I also find though it allows me keep the positivity in! I find myself writing about the light in my life and carrying that feeling with me throughout the day, rather than being overwhelmed with negative thoughts and putting anything decent on the back burner.
And like you mentioned, I can honestly say I feel like a better person than I was last year – a person I am proud to be!
Great post Jillian!
xo
Jaime
The morning "dump" as it were. : )
WHAT a good idea. Don't even need coffee…
I love journaling first thing in the morning, too. Although I've not done so in a while (insert whatever excuse here) so thanks for reminding me to go back to that. Mostly is because I don't naturally wake early, late nights and me are a good journaling coupling, but I do notice the difference in quality of both those hours. In the morning sometimes if I've not much to write, I read a poem to get the juices going, but mostly if I sit there for a minute something bubbles up. Lovely post as usual 🙂
aaahhhhhhhhhhh, you light up my life;o)
Good for you – and good to remind the rest of us out here. I've used Cameron's fantastic book on-and-off for the past 10 years (no joke). It was just the thing when I was a single mom of two toddlers, trying to finish my bachelors degree, very nearly convinced that it would be impossible. I finished, and even went to grad school as a single mom.
I've been thinking of revisiting the Artist's Way – this time, to help me get over the assumption that I'll never make a living as an artist. It's easy for me to be jealous of folks like you, with a lot of freedom and time to be in your studio (i.e. no kids) – "obviously, it's easy to be creative!!", but the truth is, my assumption about making a living doesn't have anything to do with following or not following my creative impulses. When I've been the least concerned about money is when I've made my best work.
Thanks for pointing me back in the right direction… Now, where have I put that book?
I must get me a copy of that book…I keep hearing rave reviews about it from my artist friends.
And I think I need a journal too. For various reasons, our life has brought us here to the middle of suburbia, of clutter and congestion and city-fied craziness. And every day my soul craves fresh air and wide open space, my heart aches for desert and ocean and forest. It's difficult to create when your surroundings are so uninspiring, non? Yes, I think a journal would be good for me…a place to dream and purge.
Thanks for a little nudge in the right direction, Jillian.
B.
-xo-
I Love this post, I am an artist of a different sort, I help people shape their lives, in health and fitness. I have been growing my business full time for the last 6 months. Your post truly resonated with me, I felt you put into words, the overwhelming daily ride of emotions I have encountered as I continue to strive to learn, and be the best that I can be, to myself, my family, in my business, through my own insecurities and fears and for my clients. Thank you for sharing, the fact that I continue to hear people say "write things down"….is there for a reason…Thank you Jillian, your words are so honest and beautiful! xo
Shauna (Vita's sister)
Yay for ways of unwinding. It is beautiful
I love the images of the stones..
Very lovely and has such depth.
Bless your beautiful heart, J! I seriously needed to read this. Thank you for sharing!
Cool I think I might need to try this. I used to journal, when I was 13-15, and I cringe so bad at the silly things I wrote I've always been embarassed to do it again.
Plume, you always have such inspiring things to say about personal growth, even when you don't address it directly. Have you read Twyla Tharp's The Creative Habit?
Hey all you wonderful ladies!!! Thanks for your comments…and for those of you who made a pledge to begin journaling in earnest (morning pages) I'm going to hold you to it!!!
Erin: YES. I have a copy of that book. It's a good one!
I own that book but haven’t opened it in 3 years, maybe 4. Maybe it’s time. Thank you for this inspiring post. Bets wishes from me to you.