I was sipping Lord Bergamont and writing my morning pages today when I realized something:
Yesterday, while at the hospital having my regular blood draw for my thyroid tests, I realized why butterflies have been such a central theme in some of my pieces lately (continuing now with the cocoon series and the lycanidae series). Never mind the obvious connotations we attach to butterflies regarding rebirth, transformation, transitions, seasons and the freedom of flight. I think when I create these butterfly pieces, I feel they’re directly connected to the broken butterfly in my throat — my thyroid.
Particularly, in the month of October, when I lay in bed unable to sleep, I could feel that butterfly shaped gland at the base of my throat flapping its wings, fighting for its life (funny enough, more of my thyroid died that month and my spirits were low…very low…). I felt an otherwise quiet gland at the base of my throat, a gland so vital to the stable functioning of my entire body at cellular level, come alive and beat its wings. Perhaps I have an active imagination, but one of my best friends who also suffers from a thyroid disease promises me that she too can sometimes feel her thyroid flapping its wings.
Either thyroids really do flap their wings — they are butterfly shaped — or we have attributed this movement to our thyroids in order to give motion and feeling to a part of our body that is ailing us and is otherwise silent. It’s interesting, isn’t it?
At any rate, I think the butterflies I’m turning out are prayers and hopes for a healthy thyroid, for a healed thyroid, for balance in my body, my mind and my life. For the time being, my thyroid is behaving like a ridiculous, handkerchiefed bandit, stealing tiny portions of my well being from me, piece by piece. Perhaps, I’m not solely creating these pieces for the health of my body. Perhaps these pieces can be considered talismans, protection and hope for the health of your body and a steady and suitable metabolic rate at a cellular level. Always.
In keeping with this topic of butterflies, last week, my painted butterfly larvae arrived. I’ll be hatching and raising butterflies! I’ve never tried such an experiment before so hopefully I’ll be a relatively natural keeper of these critters. I’m keen to hatch them and watch them unfold their delicate wings when they exit their carefully spun, silky chrysalis homes. I hope the details of their life cycles will fuel my cocoon and lycanidae series. I reckon, if I can keep a butterfly alive, surely there’s hope for my thyroid (though this hope is void of logic since there is hardly any rhyme or reason behind thyroid diseases).
Periodically, my hands feel bound by the betrayals of my body. I tend it so carefully and yet it continues to break. Creating pieces of jewelry containing butterfly forms and raising authentic butterflies feels so symbolic to me in this moment. I crave equilibrium, with regard to my thyroid. It feels proactive to have butterflies in my life right now and central to some of my design series, as if these things encourage health in the small piece of me that is broken and continuing to break.
Fairly frequently, I find I cannot convey why I choose the forms in my design series. There’s a rightness in my heart, mind and hands while I work, but my lips fall dumb and heavy when I try to give that rightness words. Some say an artist should be able to mount a defense for the work of their hands, but I say, what if those audible reasons are locked up in the flesh and bones of our bodies. What if the words I am able to give are a mere fraction, a dash of surface, a squint of reason behind some of the work I’m doing here. What if I must keep those words locked up in heart chambers and bone marrow because releasing them leaves me too vulnerable, like a white tailed deer on open prairie with a coyote pack speckling a wind swept horizon. These objects I’m turning out are tiny reflections, tiny slivers of glass that make up the mirror whole…it’s the living behind the work that holds the real meaning…if not being able to verbally convey the whys behind it all is part of that living (the silence of alabaster and the beating of heart) then I opine I’m doing just fine.
I hope this Tuesday holds only the best for you.
I hope you look down and say, “The work of my hands is good.”
I hope you get to keep some of your words just for yourself.
And most of all, I hope you are all whole and well.
x
aie, plume! thanks for for sharing, as always.
(also: might i ask where your lovely mug is from? it pleases me immensely)
happiest of tuesdays! xoxo
In animal totemry, the butterfly often symbolizes courage. I once was followed everywhere by a monarch butterfly and felt uplifted. I hope you do, too.
wow, thank you for sharing so much info about your thyroid. i had no idea that thyroids could die? and hope you are doing alright!! i am glad it is coming out subconsciously in your beautiful work!
i was also told to read the artist's way and found it very inspiring and helpful, although i am currently not doing it at the moment. the chapter about going a whole week without reading anything kind of threw me. i can't not read blogs or books for a week!! but it is nice to write morning pages and get it all out of you and away for the day. i love your blog!
xo
sami
I am sorry that I have to laugh at the last part…I hope that you keep some of your comments to yourself- well, Miss Plume, that is awesome!
I hope your butterfly hops about joyfully, this is how I see butterflies in my head…hopping up and down…I am a bit, perhaps a lot frightened by the caterpillar though…happy tuesday xo
Lindsay: xx http://www.etsy.com/shop/hanakistudio
Deanna: Huh!!! Imagine that! I think I do.
Sam: Well. I don't usually talk about it because I get tired of talking about it to my immediate friends and family… Glad you're reading The Artist's Way! I LOVE IT!!!!!
MLJ: Huh??? So sorry to hear that Caterpillar Paul frightened you!!!
Thanks for sharing such an intimate fact of life and especially about healt. Hope your thyroids realize you deserve them to be healthy.
Usually people appreciate good things after loosing them. That´s why I liked this post: it reminds about important things in life and that we should take good care of them.
Hope you have all you need to create more beautiful items for us to admire.
xxPiia
I don't know what to say, so I send to you a hug. Be well, lovely lady.
Did you know that the little needle thingie that they tape on your arm when doing a blood draw with multiple vials is called …wait for it… a butterfly? True.
Butterflies are the most wonderful reminder of where we have been and what we may become, but they can also be informing to the soul Right Now. One of nature's ornaments, yet vital to the future lives of so many plants. Fragile, but capable of incredible migrations. Gone in a matter of days, but dazzling in their glorious colors and tasting the flowers as they open along the way.
Shouldn't we all do that?
Piia: You're sweet. x
Brandi: No need to say a thing! Hug received!
Ketra: NO. I didn't actually know that:) And yes. Yes we should. xx
I am in love with that first picture. o.o Something about all of the cute jars and the tea kettle…everything is so perfect.
Raising butterflies too? =O That sounds like loads of fun. I bet it will be amazing to see what the wings of each butterfly looks like when they emerge. All of the different patterns and colors will be beautiful~
I'll be praying for your little butterfly. I don't know much about thyroids, but I will pray that it stays a healthy little butterfly and doesn't cause trouble.
Love your photographs as usual, especially the kitchen (HAD to say it again!). Can't wait to see more lovely pictures and artwork, too!
God bless!
I am so sorry you suffer from a thyroid problem dearest! Love your butterfly collections and love the hands that create these masterpieces! Life of an artist is full of hard knocks, right:) I see just beauty in those hands ms. Plume! XOXO Feri
Elizabeth: Well HECK! I love the tea and coffee corner too! 🙂 I'll be sure to take photos when the butterflies hatch!!!
Feri: EVERYBODY has hard knocks! As for my thyroid, at least the treatment is relatively simple! Thanks for finding my (presently) scruffy hands beautiful. x
I'm so sorry to hear about your sick thyroid. I must admit I know very little about the inside butterfly. I hope that it will get better and you'll feel better soon.
It's good to keep some things to yourself. You don't have to be a completely open book. A little mystery never hurt anyone :o)
Hugs!
Tea and coffee corner? o.o I want to go to there…! Sounds like a corner of heaven to me. -swoon-
Brave.
xx
m.
Your work requires no defending, lady.
Some things should require no words.
xoxo,
Allison
I think I need one of your butterfly pieces for my dear dying thyroid. I feel mine fluttering sometimes too. Isn't that odd? But also beautiful that we (those with sad thyroids) feel the same about our broken thyroid? xo
Jillian,
Your words put my heart at ease.
Thank you,
Em
Growing butterflies…what a delightful idea! I think creating butterflies in metal, and raising real live butterflies, is the perfect way to combat the frustration about your own ailing inner butterfly. It will do good for your thyroid…of course it will!
And I agree completely with Allison – your work requires NO defending! I create what my soul craves, and sometimes there just aren't the words to describe it. I create because I MUST!
Please keep us updated on your beautiful butterflies! 🙂
B.
-xo-
I think this is the most beautifully written post I have ever read.
To Deanna May:
This past summer, on a gorgeous and warm Wyoming morning, a butterfly danced around me, followed my vehicle as I slowly drove down a long red dirt road, and continued to dance around me as I gazed at the pictographs of Medicine Lodge Archeological Site.
I then had a chance meeting with a wonderful woman, now a great friend, and told her of the experience. She offered to share a book on what animals characterize.
That evening I got an acceptance letter from my top choice graduate school program in another state, and partied down with my friends in celebration.
The next day my friend brought the book, and under butterfly it stated that life changes and celebration are in store.
I was so happy to have had the fleeting and wonderful sign from the little butterfly, and I'm glad they give you comfort as well.
Be well Plumey…think well thoughts!
Caterpillar Paul! *LOL*
Very interesting thoughts you have today… It got me thinking about my mother. She's always LOVED butterflies. They are everywhere in our house. She wears Butterfly broaches. She has a butterfly tattoo. Butterfly jewelry and the boxes they go in. Pictures. Stained glass window hangings. She lost her butterfly gland in November and since then she's lost most of her energy. They are working on getting the right amount of Synthroid, but she's fatigued most of the time. This makes me wonder about the fable about letting things go. I don't know…I'm rambling… Thanks for the thoughts xo
Are you able to have a relatively "normal" and happy life with your thyroid problem? Or do you suffer daily. I'm just curious because my daughter who is 19 months old was born with congenital hypothyroidism (she was born without a thyroid gland ). I''m just hoping tha this doesn't affect her life negatively.
P.s, you should make more of the leather cuff bracelets with cabochons!
Michelle:
My butterfly encounter happened when I was very apprehensive (and downright scared) to do something that I hadn't done for a long time and had been avoiding doing — competing in my first horse show after my one of my best friends, my riding coach, passed away from cancer.
A few days beforehand, I was driving to work when I noticed the butterfly fluttering around the back dash of my car. I had the windows open, and I thought he'd flown out, but the next day, he was there again. The day after that, I searched my car, but did not find him.
Later that day, I told a friend about my encounter with the butterfly, and she told me how they symbolize courage in animal totemry, which is sort of exactly what I needed to hear.
Later still, as I sat in my car outside a restaurant to meet a friend, a monarch butterfly (maybe the same one?) fluttered all around my car, and even as I got out, it followed me.
I felt uplifted by the beating of its delicate wings, and proud to have it near me when I needed it most.
lady bergamot butterfly:
i am well, and i am whole.
i am made MORE SO by perusing your encouraging words and photos.
just yesterday [tuesday] morning, after pouring more of my energies into my work than i intended, i was able to look at myself and say "the work of my hands is good."
xx
Oh Ms. Plume, you should come and see my life as a scientist which is like a rollercoaster! One day I am putting so many grants and papers in and feeling so proud and accomplished, next thing I know I hear a rejection for one or two of them that takes me way down to the bottom of misery. You are absolutely right! Everyone experiences those hard knocks! I just liked the quote of hard knocks for an artist life better:)Can't wait to really hold one of the cocoon series dearly to my heart and have one of those beautiful butterflies around my neck …XOXO Feri
dearest jillian,
i'm not very keen to the world of the thyroid, but my gut feeling thinks that fluttering lil'bugger will cooperate soon…
as for your new pieces and website… j'adore.
you're a downright goddess!
much love,
-lulu
by the bye, How do you like the Chemex? I've been thinking about getting one….
Nova: Well, it probably won't ever get better but the treatment for it is relatively simple!
I agree, it is good to keep some things for myself. It's when people ask me to explain myself and the words won't well up that I feel a bit stupefied…but I'm beginning to realize that some of the work that gets done around her flows out of something other than my mind so it makes sense that the words that might define those things can be hard to grasp…
xx
Elizabeth: Well! It rather is!!!
Mari: Sometimes… xx
Al: I agree, sister! x
Crazybird: AH HA!!!!!! I believe you! I believe you!!! I hope you get a butterfly piece someday. xx
Emmy: You're welcome. Thanks for being here today! x
Belinda: Of course I'll keep you updated on the butterfly situation here! xxxxx
Michelle: THANK you. And that is one beautiful testimony to the power of the butterfly:) xx
Dala: Always. x
Eliza: OH NO……….to lose the entire butterfly……..sigh…………give your ma a squeeze for me. Thanks for being here. x
Melissa: Well, here's how being hypothyroid has affected me: Last summer, pre-diagnosis (and before finding a doctor who would actually TEST my thyroid levels), I thought I might die. I didn't talk about it much here but I was dreadfully sick. DREADFULLY sick. RW was away smokejumping so I was all alone and I didn't want to terrify anyone but I felt very very badly.
You know, the thyroid is like the accelerator for the body. If it can't make enough thyroid hormones, your entire body, at a cellular level, runs too slowly….it affects everything. If you are hyperthyroid, your entire body is going to fast, at a cellular level. EVERYTHING is affected by it.
The good news for me, your daughter and everybody is that it's easily treated. I eat thyroid medication every morning. Easy.
Because more of my thyroid died in October, my doctors and I are still trying to find the proper dosage of synthetic thyroid to feed me — since my body can no longer produce the proper amount that is needed. When my body doesn't have the proper amounts of thyroid hormones I feel tired, emotionally unstable, riddled with anxiety, cold, my skin looks awful, my hair falls out, I cannot get enough sleep, my digestive tract bothers me (evil evil gluten…..), my skin is sensitive, I feel dull……which makes sense. My body is running at a speed that is lower than optimum
None of these things are life threatening but over time, they're heartbreaking….to never feel bright…to never have energy…..that's tough.
Your daughter will be fine. They'll find the proper dosage of thyroid medication for her and she'll function normally!
Deanna! Beautiful story!!!!!
Marie: Amen. Life is SO good! xxx
Feri: OH! I can only imagine!!! And you are darling to romance the hard knocks of an artist:)) HEE HEE!!!! You're the sweetest sweets. x
Lulu: AH!!! Thank you. 🙂 And the Chemex is awesome. Go get one. x
Hi Jillian, I saw you on Pippi's FB page.
Thank you for your touching post today. I have felt that flutter myself a lot lately and seriously wondered if there was something caught in my throat. The hormone swings, lack of sleep are killer for me.
I love the butterfly connection…
have always been fascinated by them.
and I adore quote from you:
"it's the living behind the work that holds the real meaning".
Thanks for sharing,
Audrey
aka AudreyGardenLady
I believe,
when the work is true, when the work is honest, it carries the unspoken words of our heart, the words that we are not meant to share on lips and fingertips (at least right then). If is vitally important to the artist to create a form, an image, then it is absolutely important enough to bring into this world.
Here's to sharing. And here's to keeping some secrets private.
Always love.
I love the notion that sometimes our work knows us before we know it.
I find myself designing things often that I don’t really know what they mean but the metaphor is there in the object too close yet for me to see.
As always, you inspire.
xo
what is that darling wooden cubboard on your counter??? Is that an electric kettle? ive always wondered if they work better than the o'l kettle on the stove. Love your dish of morning capsules.
Praying your levels get leveled out. feeling yucky makes everything feel yucky.
i myself have been having digestive issues of which i am
unsure of the cause as of yet, i have given up Most gluten based food, no cheese, as of yesterday no more yogurt 🙁 (sad)
Really want to go to an allergist, i didnt think a person can at 30 all of a sudden become allergic to foods.
One of these days i will be quick and snag me one of those amazing cavity whales. SWOON!
love you and your work
Jaccalyn
There are so many things that I feel, but words are failing me right now. This post made me cry. Thank you for sharing.