The Gables is filled with this palpable, thick hum of energy today — it’s practically sonic and moves in waves of green and light in every room I walk through. I feel so revived by it. I feel sensitive to it. The doors seem to have wings, the windows are all thrown wide open, out in the blue spruce the squirrels and birds have gone berserkers. The dogs are riotous. They can feel it too.
I have attempted to take a few photos this morning to capture a slice of what I can see and feel around here and everything has come out blurry — perhaps I managed to capture the hum and thrum of here decently, after all, now that I think on it.
I woke up this morning and suddenly found myself in a routine. I rolled out of bed, washed my face, popped the ferns in the tub for a day long soak, fed the beasts, ran the pointers over to the park to get the ants out of their pants for the early part of the day, pushed a delicious French press and fell on my journal for three solid and voracious pages of kinetic words, metaphor and purge.
These days, I ache, deep in my chest, for my husband. These feelings are sharp. My emotions run just beneath the surface of my skin, oceans and tides of love for my man who is so far from here. My life is full and continues beautifully with experience and growth without him, but somedays I can’t believe how far away autumn is. I pine for him. I do. I continue with my living here, most robustly, I’m doing my best to suck the marrow out of life, but I miss my partner more than I can say. I haven’t talked about it much this summer, preferring to pour myself out on the mountains and on paper…but there you have it.
Dammit. I miss my man.
I have been spirit weary.
Yesterday, I was in and out of bed all day long.
I don’t recall sleeping much, but laying with my eyes closed seemed like one of the most restful things I could do. The wind was wrapped up in the trees. There was a pair of robins singing throughout the day. I wasn’t sad. I was tired.
I didn’t know what else to do.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here, or just in my journal pages, but I sense a massive shift coming with respect to the work of my hands. I don’t know where I’m headed but I feel I’ve had my toes curled over the edge of a precipice for months now. When I’m in the studio working, I feel restless. Perhaps it’s just the season melting away my self discipline and sweating inky patches into my resolve (because, you know, doing this takes so much self motivation and resolve and discipline). I’m excited about the coming change, whatever it is. I like transitions.
I’ve been reading the autobiography of Daniel Lanois which is something I RARELY do, read autobiographies, that is — it’s excellent. As a result, I’ve found myself listening to the albums he has produced. I’m spinning Wrecking Ball, by Emmylou,*** until it’s dizzy and it spins on its own. Seriously. Bob Dylan’s, Time out of Mind, has me on the edge of my seat. Lanois is passionate about creating sound, full sound, and I’ve loved the story of his life and feel such an appreciation for his own music as well as the top notch albums he’s produced. If you like music, if you are music, you should give this book a chance.
I hold that book in my hands sometimes…overcome by the inspiration of it…it’s so
honest. So true.
I love it for the questions it asks, for what it represents — the regular and steady struggle and flow of questions that apologetics attempts to answer.
I cherish these words and maintain that Annie Dillard has, on multiple occasions,
changed my life.
Also, and importantly, I picked up a copy of Daybook by Anne Truitt at Walrus and Carpenter (my local used book nook) the other day and began reading it last night at midnight. It has captivated me. The writing is strong, compelling and intelligent. More than anything, I relate with it — I feel championed by it. I don’t know if that makes sense. But to read the journal entries of another artist dealing with fatigue and self-definition is just…..well…..it was destiny that I would find a copy of this book this week. Destiny.
What’s inspiring you these days?
Direct me, if you will, to the things that make your heart swell, the things that zap you like lightening bolts,
the things that shoot you through to the core and braid the ribbons of your soul.
I want to know.
I hope the energy is thick where you are,
go ahead,
cut it with a butter knife and spread it on some toast.
go ahead,
cut it with a butter knife and spread it on some toast.
xx
***I just had to add here that I think Emmylou is so tragically beautiful. When I look at her, when I read about her, when I hear her sing, I just know that she has accidentally ruined a handful of men in her lifetime. She’s that kind of beautiful — one just can’t help but be gloriously wounded forever when rubbing up against the brilliance of her soul.
***I just had to add here that I think Emmylou is so tragically beautiful. When I look at her, when I read about her, when I hear her sing, I just know that she has accidentally ruined a handful of men in her lifetime. She’s that kind of beautiful — one just can’t help but be gloriously wounded forever when rubbing up against the brilliance of her soul.
well, dear eternally optimistic and energtic friend:
even though i am eternally melancholic, yesterday i felt at peace.
looking inward.
looking outward.
i am inspired as of late to dress a bed for company. decorate a book shed with novelties to delight my friend's heart and soul.
am also inspired to read: just purchased "holy the firm". [i hope it arrives soon….]
i am inspired to cherish my man the way you cherish robert. just yesterday mister pencilfox called me from where he was sitting 13 miles out in resurrection bay, whales rolling around his wee dory, him and the water mammals fishing for coho salmon.
YOU inspire me to be a better woman. indeed. absolutely.
forgive my long comment. i'm usually tight with my words.
but i'm all eat up with love right now….
Fox:
Long comment FORGIVEN! 🙂
I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I read you snapped up a copy of Holy the Firm…………I just picked up a copy for you the other day! HA HA! I'll find it a different home.
(—————————)
And so much more.
xx
NO! i'll take it. the one i ordered is taking its sweet time, taking the ferry up the inner passage, hitch-hiking the alcan highway….
PLEASE. bring me the book. NOW.
i know that distance and time apart all too well, dear Jillian. it's a time where your heart's beating must roll you through. pass, no matter the difficulty in the moment. it wont be long till the fall… but certainly it will feel like eternity on some days, and fly by on others. keep your feet firmly on the earth. she'll move and take you with her.
this day i'm finding inspiration in adventure. new places. extending myself to new people.
and prying my soul to be open and receptive to changes and encounters.
may this day bring you blessings and continue spilling energy into your soul
A few items of Mme. inspiration – as I am always and ever seeking it.
A slew of literary movies…
1. Midnight in Paris. ADORED.
2. Jane Eyre (the one with Charlotte Gainsbourg-currently on instant queue)
3. The Edge of Love – about Dylan Thomas.
For some reason, watching people interact with their writing lifestyle, or seeing movies made from books has profoundly inspired me to rekindle the romance in living.
Bjork's song, "Undo" on Vespertine. Please play it today and listen to the words. It expresses my meditation exactly – I am profoundly affected by the message of stepping aside and letting go. Joel and I laid on our bed in the dark last night listening to it so loudly it reverberated in our bodies.
Lyns: Sage advice. Thanks for knowing how this feels. xx
Mme: You HAVE to read Daybook. Have to. And of course you would mention Vespertine. You know, the day you, KJK and I get together and put that album on, the planets will stop where they are and orbit in a different direction. Thanks for being here today. x
Oh my gosh…everything seems to have a tap into my inspiration cache…i was watching the insects yesterday on their insect superhighway….and was thinking..how fascinating is this. I was working in the garage and saw them darting right, left, zooming about so fast outside the garage door…something i've never noticed before in all my years. I wonder where they're all going and what their up to….so much activity. I'm reading Bram Stoker's Dracula right now and i came across an interesting use of a word – Particulari….he uses it to argue a point…a particulari…WOW! i have to mentally incorporate that into my verbal arsenal for sure. Wierd stuff inspires me too as well as talented and creative people. The heat may not inspire me…but just about everything else these days…including french fry eating birds. That's a blast to do at McDonalds when i dare to eat there.
Hello my friend!!!
Glad you're back!
Beautiful writing-
Beautiful that you are longing for that section of rich fabric that is so intricately stitched to your life. Your longing is a beautiful sign.
I'm going to check out *Daybook*.
The haunting call of the loon in the dark of night when all is quiet and the water is still… makes my heart swell.
smoochies
Strange as it may seem, these days I am taking inspiration in letting go…of things I believed to be true, entanglements that no longer fit, and understandings that I thought were carved in granite, choosing to see them erode and break loose, washing away in the swift cool streams of the boreal forest that surrounds….
That, and the gorgeous melancholy of Ray LaMontaigne's voice…
An older film called Breaking the Waves….
and
the rainbow of color on my kitchen table from my garden….I still can't get over the idea of growing things…small, but so huge at the same time…takes my breath away….
Have been standing on the edge of that same precipice, as you know….with anticipation….curiosity and an open heart…looking for a sign…but even that inspires, right?
I feel bad you are missing your man so…and know that even this is a gift….having someone you love that much….xox
This post just moved me so… I am in a BIG transition too, and loving it. But sometimes it is so desperately frightening. I have been listening to 'Wrecking Ball' relentlessly, after not listening to it much for several years. Listening for Emmylou, and for Daniel. His production style is one of my favourite things in the world. He knows more than most how to get the best, his version thereof, out of an artist. What is it about 'Wrecking Ball'? It is so nourishing. I also love U2's 'Unforgettable Fire', for his and Eno's production more than for U2. It has a similar effect on me. I didn't know about the autobiography. I will get my paws on it anon. Much love, Anastasia x
I forgot…Emmylou was here last summer…and I sat and listened not much more than 5 feet away….
yes, she is indeed THAT kind of beautiful….and at the same time, the light just pours out of her…
Goodness, I just saw Emmylou last night and I SO agree. She was magical.
Emmylou salts her bread and butter. 🙂
Daniel sold his NOLA home to Ani Difranco.
Your man is in your heart.
XO Bird.
This:
http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/spaceimages/
has me riveted to my seat as of late.
You have always reminded me of a very young version of my mother. Photographs I've seen of her from a long time ago… this picture of you especially.
Dala! You're beautiful and weird!!!!! Let's be friends:) xx
Bonbon: I am glad to be back, for a short while! 🙂 DO pick up a copy of Daybook, I cannot recommend it highly enough. LOVE those loons. Bless your heart. x
Kerin: You said, "Strange as it may seem, these days I am taking inspiration in letting go…of things I believed to be true, entanglements that no longer fit, and understandings that I thought were carved in granite, choosing to see them erode and break loose…" And I sighed as I read it. Thank you. This goes hand in hand with my opinion that people need to be able to grow out of who they were and into who they are becoming, you and me included. I love your big, brilliant soul xx
Anastasia! YOU HAVE A LANOIS CRUSH TOO!!! I know just what you mean…right now I'm listening to the albums he produced to hear HIM….more than the band…..thanks for being here today! xx
Emmy! You saw Emmy two nights ago? Oh why….why don't I live in your pocket….????!!!! xx
Syb: Let me guess, you've interviewed BOTh of them!!!!! 🙂 You're like a unicorn — mythical and astounding. And yes. Yes he is. x
Marcie: Ooh. I'm going to go check it out after I make second dinner. THANK YOU!
EG: Well gosh! I caught a glimpse of my fadedness in this image…which is why I posted it. I thought it was an accurate self portrait that day… Thanks for being here today.
Emmylou Harris is absolutely amazing live- don't miss her if she comes your way. We just saw her a few months ago (with Ryan Adams as her surprise guest- eeeeee!). She's one of the most beautiful ladies I've ever seen in my life (and is my hair inspiration for going gray). Someday I'm going to stay in the Emmylou Harris or Gram Parsons room at the Joshua Tree Inn.
If you haven't heard her song "All My Tears" yet, I recommend it. A breathtaking hymn.
Just realized "All My Tears" in on Wrecking Ball so of course you've heard it! Sorry! (I'm an Emmylou evangelist and get carried away…)
Amanda: I just looked at her current tour and am thinking about flying to Tucson to see her live!!! I am so….well…obsessed right now. 🙂 Something in her voice is singing to my soul.
And yes. Totally silver hair inspiration!
HA HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!
Keep spreading the good news, sister!
xx
The beautiful madness of my unraveling life is what is inspiring me lately. We must untangle our ribboned hair in order to run a brush through and find it a new style sometimes. Oh the wild and wonderful precipice.
Also loving music (no time to read lately)
… the latest Bon Iver album, Elliot brood, good old blues by Betty Lavette or Buddy Guy, Florence and the Machine. Take a listen ladies. I hope you enjoy!
Oh and I forgot to mention my most loved and inspiring teacher…
Marion Woodman. Her book The Pregnant Virgin is astounding in it's wisdom.