I’ve locked my keys in the truck twice in the past three days. It’s totally embarrassing. My brains are tired. I’ve been working so much. Every day I have this massive yearning to escape to the woods or a mountain top or the river — to lay down and just breathe a little and relax and not strain my eyes or feel my shoulders and neck tensing as I saw out ten thousand little bits and pieces of metal. I’m overwhelmed by the feeling as soon as I roll out of bed. But still I come to the studio to work. It’s not joyless work, not at all, but I am getting tired and ready for a break. And there is rest coming to me.
A friend told me to not work too hard. I replied, “It’s my hard work that gives value to my successes. I will work as hard as I can.”
Yesterday, while waiting for Robert to save me from being locked out of my truck, I was sitting in a pile of rocks at the post office and feeling so angry with myself for being such an idiot and wasting time that I couldn’t afford to waste — especially since as I was hopping out of the truck I thought to myself, “Do NOT lock your keys in the truck!” And then I did anyway.
I realized it didn’t do anyone any good for me to get all crusty and terrifying about my life situation. I could feel myself beginning to tornado. And just like that, I stopped it. I quit it, cold turkey. When Robbie arrived I think he expected me to be outwardly frustrated with myself and the planet and the chipmunks and the beautiful wind in the trees. Instead he found me pleasant and peaceful and simply OK with the mistake I had made and the time it had cost me.
I caught him off guard with my peace.
Sometimes all you have to do is choose the other thing.
I think it’s probably always as easy as simply choosing the other thing: love, peace, kindness, joy, forgiveness…
Just choose them.
Over and over again.
My friend sent me a small poster that says, “RESISTANCE of the heart against business as usual.” I look at it constantly as I work and am becoming my own little rebel unto myself, making the changes that need making, destroying old habits, learning new rhythms, and being ok. Just being ok.
It’s so beautiful on base right now. Quiet. Golden. We had the mess hall to ourselves last night. We cooked gorgeous ribeye steaks, roasted garden squash, chopped salsa, sipped gin & tonics, played Bob Dylan on the stereo and chit chatted about our plans for the winter. I love this time of year. We’re about to break away from it all and I’m ready to run free.
love reading your honest words … i was a bit of a tornado this morning …
“I could feel myself beginning to tornado.” Yeah….I know that feeling. Sometimes I hurricane too. 😉 Best wishes from TX.
yes….AMEN to doing *the other thing*….i’ve been trying just exactly *that* quite recently, and by golly, it feels good. i am a rebel against the usual.
love you.
p.s.
[i have that very same postcard poster on the wall, here, above my computer screen. resistance of the heart again business as usual. only in the past couple of months does it make sense to me.]
When I need to breathe deeply and I don’t feel like I have time– even for this one simple thing; a flat tire or being locked out can be just the ticket.
Such true words!
Get all crusty with yourself! So honest & adorable. I’m kinda crusty, too, I just didn’t know that’s what it was called! Ha!
I can’t wait to watch you run free, gulp the wind, spread your wings and fly away!
I think I’m going to have to print that little sign and put it somewhere prominent.
A while back I started trying to remember to be grateful when I get stuck behind a particularly slow and irritating driver. I figure God is keeping me safe and out of harms way from any number of scenarios that could be further up the road if I were rushing ahead unchecked. Steph is right: Breathing Space – wherever it is presented.
Good morning beautiful plume! I have to have a magnetic box with a spare key hidden outside on my truck, because I do lock my self out from time to time! It happens! Now, I really don’t have to worry, or bother anyone. (well because I don’t have a beautiful man to rescue me!!) Do you think you will miss your little farm house in Idaho? Where will you land? I think about you, and surround you in a white light! Can’t wait for your next adventure. Take care, much love and peace to you and yours.
I once had to break into my old rusty red junk bucket with a swede saw, not once, but twice in one week. After that the window had to be tuck taped on- making future break in’s easier. Also, tres northern chic. In lieu of a tuck taped window- a spare key in one of those magnetic box jobbers somewhere on your undercarriage works wonders!
(I am a chronic key locker-inner.)
Winter is coming for you! There was ice in the back eddy where we land our canoes this morning, and the Ogilvies are painted WHITE.
XOX
Hello Jillian,
How marvellous that you can change from frustrated to peaceful..that is such a gift, especially because it requires a conscious decision. Worth practising. Your photos and your hard work amaze me. Did you decide if you would like me to send you some sea glass?
🙂
Xox
DAgmar