I’m having a hard summer, harder than usual. This is my thirteenth consecutive season as a wildland fire wife and I’m ready to admit to the world that I am tired. Moreover, I worry that Robbie and I are going to look back at these thirteen years and feel like we spent too much of our thirties on being slaves to the flames. Today, I’m dealing with a great and thorny burden of resentment in my black, black heart…I have this overwhelming sense that this lifestyle is asking too much of me, requiring me to sacrifice too much, and I’m not sure what exactly I’m making these sacrifices for. I spend the fire season toiling through varying degrees of chaos and somehow I figure out a way to juggle my responsibilities and make everything work but this week, I hit the wall. I said yes to a really great opportunity one month ago and it has become clear that this one specific thing is the straw that is breaking the camel’s back — it’s pushing the rest of my life off axis. I am, everything here is, the definition of entropy.
I’ve reached critical mass when it comes to my brain and body and emotional bandwidth and everything all around me is exploding. I sent out a resignation email last night, weeping as I wrote it for the pain of lost opportunity, for the agony of having to turn my back on a commitment, for the excruciating feeling that I am letting people down…sullying my reputation…withdrawing from a thing that was bound to be great…the ache of not being ABLE to be a part of that great thing. I’m heartbroken. And I’m angry, too, if I can allow myself to write that here. Angry at the fire season and angry about everything it demands I sacrifice year after year. I’m not going to dwell in this place of anger, I’m going to deal with it, I’m going to sweat it out of my body, I’m going to exhale it, I’m going to release it, I’m going to talk about it with my closest people, but first, I just really needed to acknowledge it for exactly what it is. I’m mad. I’m sad, too. But today I’m really, really mad.
Up on the mountain tops, behind most wildland firefighters, is someone like me who is giving up large portions of summer, of life, of opportunity so that your trees don’t burn, your homes don’t burn, your rangeland doesn’t burn, your public lands don’t burn. Today, I just need the world to know about it.
So, why does Robert always get to do what he wants and leaves you to handle everything?
This comment isn’t really fair to Robert who works harder than anyone will ever know to support me in everything I do. I couldn’t be married to a greater man. What I shared in this post today isn’t his fault. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s simply something that is broken that I’m not sure how to fix…yet…
I understand and respect. But if you read your post with the eyes of an outsider, that is how it seems.
That’s fine. I write and share this stuff but I don’t get to control how it’s received or interpreted. You are correct though, Robert does leave for work and I do stay here and handle everything and that’s the nature of the situation. I guess I really wanted to share my frustrations regarding my limitations as a human being. I want to do it all. But I can’t. And there’s kind of a grief process with regards to what I must let go of and today I’m processing some of my anger. I’m not mad at Robert for going to work, he loves his job and it makes me happy that his occupation is fulfilling for him. I’m simply mad that I can’t have it all. And this opportunity I had to let go of yesterday is something I could have held on to if it had been offered to me in the off-season instead of during the fire season. Always love to see you here, Chris, and appreciate the thoughts you shared here.
Blessings and saying many prayers for you, Robert and the whole fire community that sacrifices so much for us all!!
Appreciate all those prayers. Always. X
DAGNABBIT! HARRUMPH! Oh you strong beautiful creature…sending so much love, thanks and support!
Love you, Lu.
XX
I understan and love the respect you show to your husband/lifestyle. Is there not a girlfriend/family member/someone who can intern to spend summers with you?
We’re working on figuring something like that out. The problem we’re facing is this place is a little more than I can handle but not quite big enough for a full time or part time employee or intern. I also need someone here to operate as task force leader for me — dealing with the intern or farm worker which requires a lot of energy. There’s no place for a helper/intern to live since we’re located in the middle of nowhere. Out Airstream would work but it’s up in McCall for the fire season. I identify as an introvert and I can’t have someone other than Robert living in my home full time. I can barely handle visits from friends and family that last more than 3 days! And the other other issue is that I enjoy running this place, growing things, processing my garden and my orchards. I love that work.
But we’re working on figuring this situation out.
Hi Jillian,
I messaged you privately through Etsy. Hope it lifts you up. It helps me always.
Hey Bert — thank you for those messages. Playing those songs this morning and I feel them putting some wind back in my sails. XXX
Dear J,
Firstly, you are allowed to be angry, need to vent, and be vulnerable. You are human, and we are fragile in so many ways. This honesty and vulnerability is important, and actually very empowering. <3 You are loved and supported by people all over the world. You are not alone, though I know how much more difficult it is having someone physically absent and knowing you have to do everything on our own. I am sending an abundance of support, love, calm, and deep rest to your heart. I wish I could give you an enormous hug, tell you it’ll be okay and it’ll work out, and have cups of tea or spend time rubbing velvet noses together. Instead, I’ll remind you that you are an incredible soul that I am grateful for every single day. My heart is with you, dear soul. Much love always.
It will be ok and it will work out and I think I made the right decision and when Robbie was here last night for a few hours he told me I made the right choice, too, hard as it was. Thanks for letting me be mad, for allowing me to express that emotion and for your steady support.
Preach- it’s okay to feel anger- and to express it without needing to fix it. As women we are conditioned to think when we are angry that something is wrong or someone else is at fault. Sometimes it’s okay to rage at what is- it’s how we burn through the BS and begin to see clearly what IS.
Thank you.
Thank you for just allowing me express it.
Hello dear Jillian, just a little note to send you all of my empathy, understanding, compassion and love. This situation has been so much, so much for you for quite a while, I have been feeling it and holding space for you in my heart, right here in Montréal, Quebec. I truly don’t know how you can manage it all, including the heartbreak of having to do it all alone, or mostly alone.
I do hope that your alignment can help you find a more suitable way for you and Robert to handle these responsibilities – there are bound to be more and more fires, but cultivating land and raising living things with a heart-based, reverent approach is even more required in these times of disconnection that bring the fires in the first place. Maybe some ceremonies with the local ancient spirits would help you? <3
Jillian, I live alone in my house with a bit of land and ONE veggie garden and small flower gardens, ONE dog, ONE cat and my feral cats – I do have to work full time, but I’m EXHAUSTED almost all the time just from what I do have to take care of – how you have juggled all you do for so long is a mystery to me. Sometimes it takes a major disappointment to open your eyes to new ways of doing – listen to wise ‘ol 62 yr old me LOL – but this sounds like a turning point in your life which is why it’s good you felt angry, it brings change! You’ve empowered yourself to accept that the old ways don’t work any longer, and that’s a good thing! You’ve got Robbie’s back and he’s got yours, so I’m sure the solution is percolating in the ethers until you have your next AHA moment. Best of luck and hang in there as I know you will – if only summer wasn’t so darn short, right?
Big hugs from your Nevadan friend.
You’ll figure it out. I’m thinking, Mondern Huntsman magazine commitment? That magazine is a hit, and there will be another issue at a better time. A time after you find an intern or hired part time help. If not that, then something bigger and better will come along….again when you really can do both. Love you, and totally respect Robbie and his career.
Although I don’t know first hand how you feel, my thoughts are with you. SO MANY HUGS!
I know you will figure it out as you are brilliant!
Much love to the FARMily xo.
The sun she shines when you least expect it. Hugs lovely.
Sending you a gigantic hug. If I lived anywhere near you I’d be over in a flash to help out, and I’d probably bring a bottle of something for us to sip on afterward. 😉 You are magnificent and tomorrow is a fresh start. xo
Hey Jillian,
it seems like things have already gotten better..?! Thank you for your sacrifices, we don’t live on the same continent, but share the same planet, breathe the same air etc… I still hope that you don’t need to sacrifice as much going forward. Thank you for also sharing your struggles. You might be an introvert. But you’re connecting with so many souls in so many different ways! All the love to you, Robbie and all your creatures!
I’m just seeing this. I’m really sorry you had to sacrifice something that mattered to you, that you were excited about. I hope, now that some time has passed, you are in a better place with this. Anger is a viable emotion, and is necessary sometimes, but you are right not to dwell there. Sending you a long distance hug, and hope for more amazing opportunities in your future that you can participate in