Last week, on Thursday, when I was up to my ears with an enormous shipping manifest that took me twelve hours to package and ship, I was struck with fatigue in the afternoon. I put on a warm coat and a toque and I walked out to the hayfield. I sat on the ground. Across the expanse I saw Coulee and Hawk lift their heads and watch me. A cat joined me there, then a second cat, then Ernest. We sat in a pile of warm bodies and then I lay down on my side on the sweet smelling earth, listened to the wind move at 35mph through the trees — roaring like the ocean against a coastal cliff — and I rested. I fell asleep ! and woke up to the feeling of Hawk’s lips on my ear. I don’t know how long I slept for, perhaps only for a few winks, maybe for an hour, but being in complete bodily relaxation, in the sun, out of the wind, on the warm and living earth restored me enough that I gently knocked all the cats and dogs off my body, stood up, and strode with purpose back to the studio to finish my work.
Stepping outside to take a rest is something I am practicing more than ever. When I feel drained I chug a huge mason jar of water and then I step out the front door to pick up a sun charge and an earth charge. It’s such a clean, effortless, substance free way to power up my system and it seems to relieve me of negative thought cycles while crackling my bones in their sockets. Most importantly, this ancient remedy is free to all for all humans inhabit the same earth beneath the same miraculous sun. How lucky are we?
The horses are growing sleek and shiny here as the nut rows keep blooming and the orchard swirls into color. The only thing I can think to complain about lately is the wind. It has been so heavy handed, raging regularly between 30mph and 70mph. I feel my soul has been eroded to a small, lackluster nub. I think this has been a windier than usual springtime on the steppe.
+++
We suffered some heartbreak here recently. We tried to buy the acreage next-door after the Californian who paid too much for it a few years ago gave up his homesteading dream and threw in the towel. A for sale sign, in some cases, admits defeat. If that sounds condescending, it’s not, it’s just the truth. We put in a high offer based on a few other local property prices and it was rejected. As it happens, the place sold for a price that is 200% over the legitimate market value which is happening all over this river valley right now. People are simply slapping arbitrary prices on their properties and selling their properties as bidding wars ensue.
I know this phenomenon of gentrification is happening in rural communities all over the West right now as America reshuffles itself, but it’s heartbreaking to watch. It’s heartbreaking to watch native Idahoans who grew up here and WANT to live here, farm here, ranch here…be locked out of the land and housing market by people who can pay whatever they want for property. It’s agonizing to witness.
It can be difficult to find a sacred little place that you genuinely love, that is beautiful and quiet and clean…and then to watch the rest of the world discover it and carve it up and slowly destroy it. My heart feels broken a little more, every day, for the beautiful place, for the beautiful state we call home. Poor Idaho. She used to be lovely, now she’s something else.
This is starting to sound self pitying and I hate that, I don’t view myself as a victim, I’m just expressing something that is lodged in my throat right now. I hate this. I hate what is going on here. I hate the volume of Californian refugees moving into this state, but I can understand why they are leaving California. I am simultaneously feeling compassion and contempt. I asked Robbie a few days ago, “Will this state fill up and will people stop coming here? It seems overfull already. I’ve seen the way these new people trash everything they touch, build massive houses (monuments to themselves), drive over the wildflowers, act with such extreme entitlement. I don’t like them. Is Idaho full? I hope Idaho is full.”
Robert was silent, which caused me to be silent, too.
This said, this expressed, we are deeply grateful we bought our farm when we did, that we secured a space for ourselves that serves to sustain our small family and that we can contribute to our community with our hay and garlic crop while growing, raising, hunting and foraging most of our food. I do not know what is to become of Idaho but we are still so thankful to call this place home.
In the meanwhile, we have this earth, this sun, these horses and we are well.
We are going through the same ordeal, we live a simple life, enjoy our little slice and watch as farms around us are sold and sold again for more than could be imagined, then stripped of the timber, left bare for our bewildered eyes to see, it’s almost too much, but I pull myself back to us, we love our timber, we love our land, we are caretakers until the next generation can take over but our hearts are heavy with what was and what will never be, we can only take care of ours and wish that others would follow. My tears come often but we go on and appreciate what we have and be the best caretakers we can be until our time is up.
I think this is what is most wounding to me as I watch Idaho heave and groan with this unreasonable growth rate — a blatant dishonoring of and disrespect for land.
We plan to start looking for land in the next two years. It’s taking us “so long” because we want to be debt free while building our dream. These refugees are like fruit flies sucking the life out of the Earth everywhere they go. Taking on obscene debt they cannot manage. They will be short lived and move on to the next victim. Hold tight and remain grounded. I take on these days knowing I’m preparing my family not to blend in with this new society but to stand up against it with confidence and grace. They will be the shining light these next few generations.
I hope some of them are great people who decide to stay forever who believe in leaving places more beautiful than they found them. But in the meanwhile, I will hang tight.
I have to remind myself that I, too, came here from somewhere else. Although long ago and for different reasons, we are all just trying to do right by ourselves (personal values, whatever they may be) and our families. We are fortunate to have our corner, in my case, a mountain-top, granite-soaked oasis, that no matter what happens, will still be home. Change is hard to witness, particularly when it goes against those personal values. I hope that it is a bump in the road and not a new normal, but only time will tell. There’s a small part of me that hopes an influx of some money to my (beloved) dirty mining town will help revitalize the once vibrant downtown and bring restoration to our long-contaminated soils and waters. Can we have it all?
I love this comment, Claire. Thanks for taking the time to post it. I’m going to tag on some thoughts.
We, too, came here from somewhere else but did we arrive and begin destroying everything we touched?!!
I can speak only for myself when I say, “We did not.” My little family has practiced stewardship over private and public lands since our arrival in Idaho 15 years ago. I’m sure you can say the same about yourself.
As I said, I feel a mix of compassion and contempt for these folks — I comprehend what they are fleeing from but I object to their treatment of this landscape. I strongly object.
I hope the same things for our little ranching and farming community here — maybe these people will want to work their land instead of hiring serfs, maybe they will show up at local farmer’s markets to support local communities by buying and/or selling their goods instead of stocking their pantry with Costco products, perhaps we’ll have a talented functional medicine doctor set up shop in town, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, a massage therapist or two…that would all be good change that would be healthy for our community! Maybe we’ll have even more kids join 4H and FFA clubs. Maybe there will be even more community support for families who are choosing to homeschool. Maybe our little towns WILL be revitalized, cleaned up, and will begin to thrive once more. Maybe kids will graduate high school, go to college, and choose to come back home to start businesses where they grew up, or work on the family farm or ranch instead of in offices in big cities. Maybe we’ll have more artists and craftspeople arrive who can teach about beauty and aesthetic in our schools or give quality instruction on musical instruments or in the realm of dance. I have high hopes for positive change in our rural communities but in the meanwhile all I see is what an absolute blight these people are to the land. I keep optimism in my heart but I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that my optimism is diluted daily with a splash of disbelief and horror. I thank you for being able to simply meet me where I’m at with processing everything that is happening to my community right now. Ultimately, I’m processing my grief.
Appreciate you being here!
My home state of Colorado has been utterly over-run by this crowd. The entitled attitudes, the carelessness with which they displace (and disdain) locals, and the ruthless exploitation of nature has been terrible to behold. Pray for strong winds and cold winters, a good anecdote to fair-weather transplants.
I hear you.
I don’t want everyone to blow out of the state, but there needs to be a shift in mentality regarding public land use and just consideration for others, in general. This is a culture clash! That’s the best phrase for it.
Hearts are breaking here in Arizona too! I read a sad article about the same situation in Montana too..
Carol, I live in AZ too and am BLOWN AWAY by the influx of people (from many different states). It’s only getting hotter, and water is going to be a very big issue in the near future! I’ve lived here my whole life. I belong to this state. It’s a part of me. She’s in my blood. I am a city dweller, but I find my local community does a really good job a supporting each other. We keep it LOCAL. We believe in local. As a city dweller, what bothers me most is suburbia. I hate seeing all the development – cookie cutter houses selling for over 600k. It’s not sustainable! I also notice my beloved wilderness areas being overrun with people who don’t care. Change is hard. All I can do is support for my community.
Samantha, thank you for your reply. I see exactly what you are speaking of and it breaks my heart. Regarding the wilderness area: I used to be able to go places where there were no people. That is now out of the question. It is hard watching pristine places being destroyed in such a short time. I am so thankful that you have a wonderful, supportive community. Love they neighbor has never been truer. Many blessings to you.
Gosh Carol. I’m so sorry. We used to live in AZ and we were blown away this past February while we were down in the southwest camping and quail hunting by the expansion of the Phoenix area and even Wickenburg and Kingman…just absolutely insane. And you are correct, there always have been water issues but they’re about to get a whole lot worse.
Poor Arizona, I’m really feeling for you guys right now. The humanitarian crisis and human trafficking at the border right now is just the cherry on top. Hang in there.
Thank you Jillian! I am so sorry that your beloved Idaho is groaning under the shift as well. I know what you mean about Wickenburg and Kingman. I have been watching in disbelief the areas of Wickenburg, Prescott, Flagstaff Chino Valley being run over with a population explosion. The water supply cannot support this kind of growth. Unfortunately they have to leave their home state because it has become horrific to live there. But yet they want the exact same lifestyle and government that they ran from. They even build the humongous 3 story homes on hillsides exactly like California does. We’ve all seen photos of the wildfires in California ravishing those hillside neighborhoods. To me it makes no sense. I had a woman tell me that she moved here a year ago and was homesick for California. But she went to the store and was surrounded by California license plates and immediately felt better. š Anyways, I could go on and on. It has been comforting in a way reading everyone’s thoughts. We’re not alone in these sad feelings of being over run by outsiders who are changing our way of life and our government. It seems like we are being stripped of the American dream. Hang in there everyone. Many blessings!
I read this with some sadness, because we too will be moving to Idaho at some point. But your lament is VERY familiar to this Oregonian, as we have been complaining about the CA crowd for 30 years. The places I love are almost unrecognizable and certainly completely out of our financial reach due to the influx of not just Californians, but people from all over (Thanks for nothing, Portlandia) the past 10 years. The rate of change has been crazy–I actually get lost in some neighborhoods now because my landmarks are gone. I genuinely hope we can find a little square of land (not a farm, but not a tiny yard either) in Idaho when we are able to. We’re looking forward to coming out and doing some scouting around of smaller towns and more rural areas at the end of May, and I admit, I have absolutely been mentally preparing myself for some glares from the locals. I hope that wherever we do settle, we can connect with our neighbors and build a good life, a good community, and I can be closer to my step-mom as she loses her sight and independence. Mostly, I need to get back to my roots of open land and sky. Cities have trapped me for too long and my soul is feeling the crush.
Take heart Cat. Because you are my dear friend I can say I think you and Dave will fit in fine here. You just have to downshift out of city speed and put on your country state of mind. Ha ha! You’ll definitely encounter some disgruntled Idahoans as you snoop around but take it with a grain of salt, we’re starting to feel a strong sense of infringement in these parts. It’s tough.
AND, I’m looking forward to seeing youuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry to hear this about Idaho, but I am not surprised. For years now, it has been touted as the last refuge for conservatives. With all of the tumult in the country, flight is taking place. I think there are other things afoot, however. I recently read a blog post about Black Rock financial buying up thousands of single family properties all over the country and paying 20% over the asking price to lock in the sale. It’s making it almost impossible for the working middle class to purchase homes. I’m in Massachusetts – a liberal state that we would love to flee from, but I know that I would be looked at askance no matter what red state I landed in due to my place of origin. More and more we feel like we are living behind enemy lines, so I do sympathize with and understand the ones fleeing and moving to your home state. I doubt we will leave here – our roots are deep and my Scottish ancestors settled here in the 1600s – it is hard to walk away from so much family history. New England is my home, yet I fear the time may be coming where the political divide will be too great to bear. Our very freedoms may be at stake.
Hi Erin!
I’m actually of the opinion that Idaho is more libertarian than it is conservative but it does go blood red every election!
But I hear you. Not only is the population reshuffling itself but there are some bigger players making moves on land. Even old Billy Boy Gates is buying up farmlands. With that in mind, what we see happening all over the West and all over the country is a crippling blow for small, diversified, regenerative farming. So many people buying farmland and ranch land do not plan to work the land or graze it which will eventually make this country even more dependent on chemical farming and factory farming. It stresses me out just to think about it.
I would like to see our rural communities growing their own food, supporting their small farmers, but people who want to farm can’t get land!!! And farmland for sale is being decked out with extravagant homes instead of being farmed. I’d like to see some symbiosis in our rural communities when it comes to farmers, food, and hungry people but the dream seems to be getting further and further away at times…one step forward, two steps back.
Anyway, on a side note, I’m kind of imagining your ancestors are Jaime and Claire in the new world…ha ha! I hope you’ve read the Outlander series!
Have courage!
I just want to thank you all for these thoughtful comments. When I sat down to write this post I didn’t realize I was going to share these feelings of frustration with you…it just popped out. My emotions are so near the surface these days. I hope I didn’t offend anyone, it wasn’t my intention. I guess I just had to get some of this off my chest. Thank you for meeting me where I’m at while I process the speed of change that has descended upon my rural community here in Idaho!
I wish America would take its foot off the gas pedal and slow this mutha down!
I am very much looking forward to our visit to Idaho and to seeing you! And very grateful for you sharing your perspective–it needs to be heard by those of us not in the thick of it. Never censor yourself! And lastly, I am so glad that you are finding rest outside–your nap with the animals sounds utterly delightful! Cannot wait to smoosh on that farmily š
You are not alone! Itās happening all over. We just got a notice to answer a survey from the RM of Moose Jaw. Amongst it was questions on what type of development would we be ok with seeing come up in the future and what we wouldnāt, etc. They all made it seem like our answers meant something but it gave me a worrying feeling of who will sweep in, in the upcoming years and what they will do to destroy the land thatās left that isnāt farmland. I feel itās happening all over, things are selling for way more than they should because of greed not need. I grieve for the sacred places that may have someone find it who doesnāt see it that way.
Heartbreak. Heartbreak.
thanks for sharing your thoughts and processing.. it seems like it’s happening in practically every rural part of every state in this country, wisconsin included.
It’s really happening everywhere. It’s even happening to Californians IN CALIFORNIA.
Thank you for being here.
Very interesting, if sad, post. (Well, except for napping in sun, which I hope downwind from those glorious blossom!) Not only are people priced out of buying land, but in some cases, the monster houses raise the property taxes so that folks are not able to afford the taxes on their existing homes. This is happening in the East Coast of Canada. And the West Coast too. With the recent Covid pandemic, there are so many people who are leaving large cities now, seeking space.
I have grave concerns about massive corporate farms. I don’t even know where to begin to express them. The idea of buying local and supporting local is starting to grow and I can only live in hope. Thank you for helping to spread that message. Thank you for leading by example. Hope that you can share some of your garlic and fresh veggies with your neighbours when they arrive.
I have MANY concerns about massive corporate farms. They are bad for humans and bad for our planet. In fact, I’ve been thinking lately a lot about what is good for humans is actually good for the planet. But I’m sure I define “good” differently that most of the other people on this planet…š
The loss of small farms to people who have no intention of farming their acquisition is a tragedy for the small, diversified, regenerative farming movement and small rural communities that COULD BE supporting themselves at a local level when it comes to food. Rural America is a FOOD DESERT unless you are personally practicing a high level of food sovereignty.
This is bigger than a simple housing crisis. Much bigger.
Oh I agree that this is bigger than a housing crisis. It just happens that some people can’t afford to live in their communities AND fish for a living there. So they leave for big cities:( Knowledge does not get passed down; it gets lost. Very disturbing. And of course, fisheries and the destruction of oceans is a whole other topic! But I feel hopeful. Our grocery stores have been stocking and promoting local products for several years now. And local markets are busy and growing every year.
Hi Jillian!
Iām relatively new to your page and instagram, but I have been visiting your site for a bit now. So I have to say thank you for your insights and your art. Youāre a kindred spirit and so inspiring.
I was born in Colombia and moved to the States when I turned 8 yrs old. Iāve grown up in California ever since. I love Californiaās Central Valley–for years, I have lived in a safe-haven where small-scale farming, by people who respect the land and animals, has thrived. But the folks from the Coast have flocked over here, and a suburban wave has hit my city. A nearby field of gorgeous almond trees was recently cut down for the incoming wave of yet another neighborhood of crowded, cookie-cutter houses, which try so hard to keep wild, beautiful nature out for the sake of clean-cut yards. My stepdad was right: eventually, the suburban-city-craze would reach our small little town. Housing prices are insane. My boyfriend and I know that, as first-time homebuyers, we cannot make it in California.
You see, Iām 24 years old, and I dream (with all of my heart) of owning land and delving into regenerative agriculture (again, with all of my heart). This post of yours deals with a topic that has been on my mind since last year. California has let people like us down. I cannot put into a few words the many ways that the stateās āprogressā seems determined to step all over the American Dream of little people like myself. As a result, my boyfriend and I have had to make the decision to leave after we marry. We simply cannot stay, as much as I love my little town (not so little anymore).
But I really fear finding the same kind of Californians–those that run over Nature like itās a burden, not a blessing–wherever we move. Growing closer to God these past few years has, as a side effect, led me to love the land, people, and animals around me even more, and to focus on local economies. I wonāt bore you with details about my current life, but Iām trying so hard to educate myself, with books and experience, on regenerative farming. Iāve grown up around it, but I feel that I still have so much to learn. I want to spend the rest of my life in its beautiful simplicity, and I want to carry this wherever Ian and I end up living. Itās a real concern, however, that the same people whose ideals (disconnected from God, land, and Nature) have turned California upside down are the ones who can rush out right away and buy land somewhere else, carrying those ideals to other parts of the country.
I pray that anyone moving to your lovely Idaho grows to love the land and animals as much as you do. I pray that our country slows down. And I pray that all Californians have the courage to look at the stateās mistakes and refuse to reenact them elsewhere.
I am surrounded by people who have worked hard for their land, and I plan on doing the same, with Godās help. I hope people come to see that not all of us Californians looking to resettle wish to destroy the land and its beauty. I know that I am not entitled to land anywhere. It is a blessing, not something I’m entitled to. Living in this country is one of the greatest blessings I have received, and I do not intend to live it out ungratefully. Your post and the comments on it give me hope that there are people out there who still value the American Dream and who understand my frustration. Conserving beauty, working the land respectfully, and giving to the local community–these are some of the things Iāve always hoped for and continue to pray for.
Again, thanks so much for your wisdom and for being real. Your words and your work always inspire me.
God bless,
Michelle.
Thank you for this BEAUTIFUL message, Michelle. I know it took you some time to type this out and we all appreciate it so much. Sorry it took me a couple of days to publish it — most comments land in my comment moderation bin here, behind the scenes, and I have to manually hit a “publish” button for them to become visible on blog posts and as it happens, I was away for a few days in Grass Valley CALIFORNIA helping my in-laws with their move to San Diego after living a beautiful life in the foot hills of the Sierras for the past 50 years. The dogwoods were in bloom and I fell in love with that part of the state all over again. Too beautiful.
I do want to reiterate that my emotions surrounding what is happening to my (formerly) quiet little river valley in Idaho are very mixed and conflicted and rooted in grief. And while we were just in California it was fascinating to me to see that what is happening here, is also happening there. So many people in this comment thread have said this very thing, that what I’ve observed in my rural community is happening everywhere and we’re all feeling the heartbreak of it. What a difficult time.
I just read your comment aloud to Robert and he wants me to tell you that you can visit our little farm any time and he will be happy to teach you everything he knows. He loved your message.
You know, like you, I wasn’t born in the USA. I emigrated to the USA from Canada and I feel so lucky, every single day, to have been able to invent myself in the USA and to have chased my life dreams in this country (I’m still chasing them, every time I catch a dream I come up with a new one to chase). Robert and I built our lives from scratch. The only help we had from anyone was when we were given a little red Tacoma truck by Robert’s parents one year after we were married. We began with nothing. We eloped so we didn’t have any wedding gifts. We had the clothes on our backs when we began our lives together. That’s it. But that little truck we were gifted made it possible for Robert to take a fish biologist job with US Fish and Wildlife in the low desert of Arizona (a job no one else in the country wanted). We lived in a critter infested single wide trailer for almost 4 years, saved all our money, and when we moved to Idaho we were able to purchase our first little house. I was 26 at the time. We continued to work hard and save our money and we eventually sold that little house and bought a little farm. We’ve always lived in quiet little places where nobody else wants to live, we’ve built our lives on the backs of unassuming little places. I know some quiet little spots still exist all over this country and Robert and I will be praying you and your fella can find such a spot to build your lives upon.
And for the record, you’re the kind of people rural communities in Idaho WANT. Come on up.
A hope I have is that the money will come in, fancy new pivots and improvements to the barns will happen, they will live the dream for a few years and realize they aren’t cut out for it, and leave us lifers with the upgraded infrastructure to keep on keepin on, as we will. Hanging tight and watching it unfold from rural Oregon too sis. My emotions also dangerously close to the surface on these issues as well.
Love love love
Cate
Oh man. I hear you on the infrastructure! A newly acquired farm down the way put in brand new, gleaming wheel lines to water their newly planted round-up-ready-alfalfa crop and I was like, “Ooh! The next person who nabs that little farm is going to love those wheel lines! I hope they ditch the glyphosate though and switch to onions or asparagus.”
We’re watching it all with eagle eyes.
Love you. xx
Many truths are spoken here and I too am feeling the heartbreak of what is happening here in the Methow Valley in Wa.state.
It is a small Valley and it’s smallness seems to make what is going on so much more blatant. We too, have our slice of heaven, and make it known to newcomers that there is a way to live here. I don’t know if they are listening.
I am originally from Kansas. I jokingly say to people, that if you want to not see what is happening, I think Kansas would be the place to go. Even though I grew up there, this feels like home.
So we all will have to see this through and try to educate. I know, people that are coming here, have not “paid their dues” the way I think they should. And it has not been an effort for them to make their way here. They haven’t experienced the fires from 2014 and on. They don’t know-yet. There seems to be a sense of entitlement. And elitism. Oh, but I judge and I too, don’t want to be that way. I want to be accepting. I want to be welcome them with my heart and teach them the ways of this life.
I’m late to this discussion, but had to say something about the grieving I am feeling with the rest.
Hello Pearl! So nice to see you here.
Well, as you know, we used to call the Methow Valley home six months of the year and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering from some of the same heartbreak over there. It’s such a narrow valley, how much can it handle?
Robert and I have been talking so much about this issue and we have landed on the same notion that instead of being angry about all of it, we really need to begin gently and kindly and candidly informing newcomers of what is considerate and appropriate in these parts.
I’m not really “anti-outsiders” — but we all have to live here and get along and there seems to be so much ignorance (not really willful ignorance, just basic ignorance) and absolute lack of consideration for others. I’m going to start nipping that in the bud.
Thank you for leaving this comment. You are so appreciated.
My favorite part of this post was your nap in the sun with your awesome canines, and learning that you also drink water from mason jars!
I’m so sorry for the heartache you’re experiencing with all of the influx into your special home spaces and the obvious disregard for the land’s sacredness. It’s a tragedy to watch how inhuman humans can sometimes be. Thoughts and prayers for you.
Life is hard. Life is beautiful! Our job is to love our fate, embrace the lessons that come our way, no matter what they might be.
Yeah, that nap in the sun. Have never done anything like it and I could just feel the warmth and the cuddly animals. And a picture of you in the sunlight. And so relaxed. I sit in the garden, on the ground, when it’s in full bore. But I may just have to try laying down, and maybe a snooze, although that is hard for me during the day. But just to be in a half dream state would be so energizing.
Thanks for letting us get this all out. It is indeed a boom cycle here. All contractors are booked until 2023. I knew you had lived in the Methow, Jillian. You would be blown away to see it now.
But back to the positive.
Enjoy the days, all.
Oh. Yes. A nap on the ground is a beautiful thing. You must try it!
I’m just thankful that everyone allowed me some space to express some of what I’m feeling right now. I didn’t want this comment section to turn into a really negative, culture bashing thread, and folks were quite thoughtful with their responses, I’m thankful for that.
XX
Oh what a post…..the same happens here in Canada, and where I live, a small island at the tip of Vancouver island, we went from a fabulous little place with locals driving old pick up trucks, farming, growing their own food, repairing their old west-coast-home-made houses, to parking lots full of Porsches, Teslas, Ferraris, Lamborghinis….farm land being bought to build huge 6..7..8 bedrooms houses, driving our little roads 100km/hr..change is inevitable, change is good I know, what is not good is invasion of careless people that come here, buy houses 200% overpriced, will flip them sometimes in the future, destroy the life of people who were born here, do not care, even say:”if you don’t have the money to live here go somewhere else”….this change is not good, this change is indecent, money used to destroy is indecent.