A Month With Tillie

Well, I sure did a poor job of documenting this belly of mine but in my defense, it took a long while for it to show up. I should have taken more photos, proof that Matilda didn’t appear out of thin air, proof she didn’t arrive in the beak of a stork, proof that she was a little person growing for weeks and weeks with a heart and a brain and a fluttering soul, until one day we found ourselves driving to the midwives in a snowstorm and a few hours later, we emerged with her in our arms. The funny thing is, it feels like she’s always been with us, and I suppose in a way she has. The part of her that came from me, the part of her that came from Robert…an act of co-creation…we made her body and God made her soul. She’s a great little baby. Thriving. She gained 2lbs in 4 weeks and is big and strong and healthy.

She and I had a trauma free labor which isn’t to say it was easy. It was extremely difficult work. I hoped I could do it a certain way and that’s exactly how I did it. I went into labor naturally, nine days late, and I worked as hard as I could, took deep-full-body-rests when I could, and when at last I heard her cry I knew my endurance had been tested and I had nothing left to give, but the job was done!

I have a recollection of one of my midwives saying, “Jillian, I can’t believe I haven’t heard you complain about a thing.” To which I responded, “No use complaining…just got to get the job done.” The last thing I will tell you is that I am proud of this achievement and I will be for my entire life. It’s something nobody can ever take from me and now I know I can do anything and I can endure anything. I’m a queen and I know the breadth and width of the strength and power I hold within me. This is a hard job, making a life and bringing it into the world, no matter how you do it, you should be proud of your work. It’s a beautiful thing to be a woman, I’m proud to be one, now I get to raise one.

Today marks the end of 5 straight weeks of houseguests here and we are resting in the quiet of our home, overwhelmed by the silence and stillness and privacy we are suddenly afforded. Our guests were a wonderful help to us but five weeks of people is a long time for folks who live a pretty hermity life on a farm in the middle of nowhere. We were thrilled to see everyone arrive and we’re happy to see everyone depart.

We are looking forward to folding Matilda into our routine here. She’s already affording us 4-6 hour stretches of sleep at night though I need to bite the bullet and simply get up for my sunrise walk and take her with me so I can get my circadian rhythm routine back on track. The rest of life will follow the rhythm of daybreak, because it always does! Robert has been absolutely amazing and I am grateful he is willing to shoulder his share of the workload with Matilda. After I feed her he immediately changes diapers, bounces her to sleep in the wee hours of the night, makes sure I have what I need at all times…endless support from a great guy who is always looking for ways to work, ways to volunteer, ways to serve me before I can even think to ask for help. At night, every time he puts her back to sleep, I reach over and tell him how much I appreciate his help and how amazing he is and then, cheesy as it sounds, we go back to sleep holding hands. We are a united front.

I’m so thankful we decided to do this. I can see how Matilda is helping us to grow and change and mature as individuals and as a couple. It’s awesome and I think it’s as God intended parenthood to be.

You can call her Matilda, Tilda, Tillie, Mattie, Lovebug, Perfect Gift, Sagebrush Song, Gladiola, Wild Iris, Button Quail, Muskrat, Mosquito, Trophy Trout…just say it with love and you’ll receive a dimpled smile.

Lastly, I didn’t have a baby shower because I didn’t feel I could ask my friends and family to cram one more thing into their holiday schedule and the cost of fuel was sky high and most of my friends and family live in different states or different countries. I didn’t want anyone to feel obligated to travel here and spend a ton of money to do so and then buy us gifts on top of those travel expenditures. Somehow, Matilda was still showered with gifts. We pick up packages from family, friends, supporters, acquaintances, at the post office every day and each gift has touched our hearts deeply. We feel so loved. If you are one of the many folks who took the time to send us baby treasure in the form of blankets, clothing, books (the more the better), diapers, wet wipes, cards, emails, messages, nipple salves and butt paste (the butt paste is for Tillie, not me), gently used baby clothes, toys, thoughts, prayers — THANK YOU so much for holding us in your hearts and celebrating the arrival of Matilda with us. They say it takes a village and you are part of ours. We love you. We tell Tillie who sent her which gifts each time we employ them and she always smiles (unless she’s howling).