02.13.13

Good morning to all my Valentines!  You are beloved.  I hope you know so.

Yesterday was my birthday.  I am officially 31.  Let me tell you about it.

We had glorious plans to do a yurting trip again with our wild pack of friends but at the last minute, the trip was cancelled which made for an unplanned day here in town.  I’ve been spoiled rotten with birthday backcountry ski trips the past few years so I was only a little sad about our canceled trip.  I have much travel coming up in the next five weeks and I’ll put on a festive mood when I go to take those journeys.

I woke up early with a delicious cup of pear ginger white tea.  The day was soft, bird belly grey, obtuse and wide open white on sagebrush, soft with the swoop of diffused light.  I put on some clothing (my polka dotted cobalt blue dress with my favorite cropped coral wool cardigan), my favorite vintage cowboy boots and the birthday ring I made for myself the day before and we promptly left for breakfast with all our dear friends — breakfast out with friends is a birthday tradition of mine.  I love breakfast from proper diners.  There’s nothing like it!  My friends were all of good cheer.  There was plenty of laughing and the food and coffee were fine.  Jade made me feather earrings.  Now I’m more bird than girl.

Robert had a date with all his boyfriends on the racquetball court and while he was off playing, I pillaged the local art supply (it is going out of business, which makes me want to cry), found two cute tops at my favorite vintage shop, and picked up some sandpaper at Ace Hardware — I know, a random set of errands, but aren’t all errands rather random?  Then I went home and painted for a couple of hours; I fell right into the slash and bend of color on canvas and it was very good.

When RW came home, we harnessed up the dogs and headed up the mountain for a ski.  I had Tater Tot and Farley pull me as a double skijor team for the first time ever, it was terribly fast and wild and I thought I would go hoarse from encouraging them to go faster, faster, faster!  What a marvel dog power is!  Those pups gave me a very good birthday present indeed.  We unhitched my double team and each skijored a dog to the top of the mountain where there is a lookout I like to go to and rest for a moment.  We poured a cup of tea from the thermos I had in my pack, and enjoyed the wintry view of rolling mountains and timber lines.

Skiing down was fast and zany, as it always is.  I took a short-cut on a hair pin turn because it was my birthday and I was feeling festive and crazy — I wound up doing a pancake belly flop into a snow bank which made me laugh hysterically for a full five minutes.  It always feels so good to laugh until you are out of air and your entire face hurts and your abdominal muscles feel as though they’ve been doing crunches for ten hours straight.  Robert, too, took his turn being pulled by a two dog team and marveled at the speed and power of sledding German Shorthaired Pointers.  We’re so proud of the way they are able to do diverse work.  We made it back to town and Rob departed for his cabinetry class for a few hours.  I began a batch of whole wheat bread and when it was on its first rise, I popped out to the grocery store, which was utterly berserkers with crowds, to gather provisions for the week.  When I arrived home, I made pizza dough as well as a batch of cherry chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, punched down and rolled out my bread loaves, and began cutting toppings for our pizzas.  The kitchen was warm and bright.  Once all my prep work was finished, I had a glorious one of these with extra hot water and positively delicious bath salts:

Robert came home and the pizza was eventually delicious.  The bread I baked was perfect.  I mean, perfect.  For years I have baked extremely delicious bread but these two loaves are perfection — light and lofty on the interior with a gorgeous golden crusty outer layer that flakes away gently.  I had a slice of it for breakfast this morning with butter and honey and as I bit into it I thought to myself, “This toast is miraculous.  I may never bake bread this perfect ever again.”  I savored every fresh crumb.
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 Last night, when I was falling asleep, I remember thinking my birthday this year was perfectly ordinary in every way.  Allow me to clarify, by ordinary, I mean, not particularly any different than any other day of my life, but I think my life is quite extraordinary and has been especially so lately.  Perhaps it’s merely the optimist in me, shining light onto every matter, seeing the best of the situation on hand — but I really don’t think so.  Something wonderful is happening to me, I don’t exactly know what, I know it has to do with love and the way I recieve the things around me and respond to them.  It also has to do with how I am spending my days.  Every day, for weeks now, I have managed to be outside, create freely from the heart, breathe the air on a mountain peak or two, eat delicious foods, read wonderful books and so on and so forth.  I’ve been wild with joy in the studio again, at long last.  I tell my friends all the time, but it bears repeating, this has been a really wonderful year for me.  So, perhaps it is better to say that it was yet another extraordinary day in my life.  Because it was.  And I am blessed.
Last year, when I turned 30 years old, it was a milestone for me and I spent much time thinking about what it meant to be 30 and to be starting a new decade.  There was trepedation in my heart.  I felt old.  My year of being 30 turned into such a gracious and spacious year for me, a year of quietude and deep rest.  I changed so much, learned so much, lived so much.  It felt like a holy little year, set aside, meant for me to become comfortable and ready for the rest of this decade.  Now that 31 is here, life feels replete with motion, impetus, momentum.  Sometimes all I can do is focus on the point directly at my feet as everything around me blends with speed into a glorious impressionistic blur.
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Thank you to everyone who has remembered my birthday this week, yesterday, today…your emails, Flickr comments, snail mail and packages filled my heart with joy and continue to do so.
I love to have you here, in my world.
I hold you in my heart.
Love,
Jillian
:::Post Scriptus:::
I failed to mention the gift Robert gave me for my birthday!  He bought a pair of tickets to the Don Williams show at the performing arts center here in Pocatello in April!  I am so excited!  We love Don Williams!  He’s a country music icon! Hearing him sing reminds us of when I was 19 and Rob was 21.  We were living in New Zealand and used to drive the highways there while listening to Don Williams’ greatest hits (and Dido and Sublime and classic Michael Jackson).  The windows were always rolled down in the car, the wind was always wild in our hair, we spent so much time in the ocean and in the backcountry hiking and fishing and camping and looking at glow worms under the Southern Cross…and I already loved that fellow of mine.  Indeed.  I did.

[some pretty scenes from around here, these past few days]

I’ve been meaning to tell you how I begin my mornings in the studio, if it is a work day for me.  Here’s what I do.  I walk in, turn on all my machines and lights, crank the heater up to full blast and if it’s cold enough, I light the propane heater as well and huddle around it for a moment (like a member of a bison herd in a blizzard) because the heat is sheer ecstasy on my hands and face which, at this point, have already started to turn a little blue.

I step up to the long work bench against the West wall of the building, the wall that holds an enormous window that looks out into my sleeping rose garden, a field of sage, and eventually the rise of the mountains, white and brutal with winter.  The sun is pouring in the window, bucketfuls of the stuff, I squint in the brightness.  While I stand there, I reach my arms out wide, as though those scrawny things are awkward wings.  I reach my arms out wide, lift my face to the light and I pray.  I pray to be filled to overflowing with pure joy.  I pray for the wounds of my heart to be healed.  I pray with compassion and love for the people who would seek to hurt me, and in praying for them, my own faults are revealed to me, and I acknowledge those faults one by one, and do my human best to turn away from them.  I pray to be breathed into, to be inspired, that everything I see and touch would register in my mind and heart in a sort of rich, fourth dimension, that my work would have motion and direction, that my pen would be filled with wisdom and joy, that the things I create will hold peace and that my efforts would encourage and lift the spirits of others.  I spend some time in silence, basking in the light, being filled with peace, having my very self wiped clean, refreshed, revived.

I imagine myself in a forest where it is cold and snowy.  I trudge through the white and the timber, foot after foot, until I find a place in the trees I like.  I bend down, kick the snow from the ground and make a small bald spot in the dirt.  I pick handfuls of dry grasses, crumple them in my hands, lay them in the space I have made in the snow.  I collect small twigs, fallen branches, perhaps bits of lichen that drip down from the arms of the fir trees.   I build a little pile of tinder that leaves space for air, for motion of breath, a gap for the flames to eat at oxygen.  I reach into my pocket and draw out a book of matches.  I rip one away, scrape it across the matchbook, and hear the snap and hiss of a flame come to life.  I hold the match up to the kindling I have gathered and watch the flame devour, in small gulps, the offering I have made it.  The orange light of my tiny fire disappears for a moment, only to reappear larger and brighter and stronger, tinged with blue tips.  White smoke is rising.  I nurse the fire, stick by stick, tend it kindly and gently with soft hands, I add to it slowly, larger and larger pieces of wood.  When the time comes, I put my face as close to the flames as I dare, and I gently blow into my fire, to support it with more oxygen as it eats away at wood and air.  The flames leap higher, the fire is sustained, growing, consuming.  I think about the quiet flicker of the sacred heart in my chest, the small heart of mine, that delicate thing.  I think of it beating away there, melded with my spirit, woven and blended with my soul.  I think about how the tiny flame, the pilot light of my soul, yearns to burn brightly and ferociously, it yearns to be breathed into, to be tended, to be fed.  It crys out for inspiration, the very divine breath of God, the whisper of the wind in the fir stands, the holy language of the rolling creeks, the mystery of roots as they wend deep and devour stone.

That’s what I hope for, in the mornings when I stand at the window in my studio, about to begin work — I hope for vitality of spirit, a quickening of intuition, to be breathed into, to have the tiny flame of my sacred heart fanned into a roaring fire.

Then, I work.

https://www.thenoisyplume.com/blog/2013/02/11/5805/

Night Skijor

Tater pulls with such heart and charisma.  Not many dogs will pull like this.  I see him throw his weight forward, the strain of his strong little body tugging against the flat straps of his harness, the tight little muscles on either side of his hind quarters bulge as he pushes off with his back feet.  He is too thin.  I might be too.  We are skijoring and it is nearly night.  I am up in the clouds, where they have bent low over the tall cap of Scout Mountain, the heroic peak at the South end of the Portneuf Valley.  With Tater’s help I am flying through white on white on white.  The trees are gracious, leaning phantasms, their shadows prickly and darkly spreading are a kind of harbinger of the cusp of night.  It’s nearly upon us.

I keep my knees close together and bend them deeply with each double pole pass I make, letting my arms fly out full and reaching behind me.  I can feel my shoulders and back turning hot beneath my various layers of clothing.  I call out “YIP YIP” to Tater, which is my run command for him.  He digs in a little deeper, I feel the tug of a power increase, a jarring little jerk at my waist where I am connected to him with a waist belt and run line.  My quadriceps are burning.  An owl flys from its perch in a stately douglas fir.  There’s no one else around.

I didn’t mean to leave the house so late but the days seem so much longer now, than they did in December.  I’m tricked into stretching the daylight hours out further then they can really stretch and I realize, halfway up the mountain, that I’m going to be skiing down in the dark.  I call Tater to a stop, pull my pack off my back and rummage around for my headlamp.  I’m glad I thought to bring it.  I put it on, over my toque and check to see if it’s working.  The batteries have been jiggling loose lately and it’s been prone to randomly shutting off.  I put my pack back on, flip my pole loops over my hands and wrists, and call Tater onward.

I love doing things in the dark, in the woods.  It can be terribly lonesome and spooky.  At times, it makes one pine for the light, count the minutes until sunrise.  On nights when the sky is clear as a spring creek, it feels almost cozy and crystalline, quiet and thrumming, peaceful and bright.  It’s cloudy tonight, and snowing gently.  On a clear night, I’d be marveling at the cosmos spread out above like a picnic for the eyes — blue twinkle and dusty milky way with a scoop of glittering horizon line graced with a tilted, fingernail clipping of a moon rising through the sky.  But tonight, the night is thick and dark.  I think I feel it pooling around me as I move.  I dig harder with my poles and feel my heart rate rise a little more as I push myself harder.  Tater responds with even greater heart and haste.  The sooner we make it to the top, the sooner we can come down.

The greater our ascension, the thicker the cloud.  Visibility is poor now.  The temperature has dropped and I can feel the snow hardening beneath my skis.  I call out encouragement to Tate, to comfort myself with my own voice, to let the wild things know we are coming.  We are breathing hard from physical exertion, it’s as though our breath has turned the world around us to alabaster gloom.  Tater veers to the right and looks up at the tree tops, a large shadow of a bird rises up, in an awkward flap of wings, swoops about in a bumbling loop and settles once more in the same tree.

Oh!  The top!  The top!  I praise Tater for his hard work, unclip his harness from my waist belt, command him to heel at my left hip and turn my skis North — it always feels so natural and relieving to point myself North, I wonder if all Northerners feel this way?  It’s cold now.  I can feel the roots of the air wending about my cheeks and lips.  My braid is frosted over.  I zip my jacket hood up higher and push my mouth beneath the edge of my neck warmer.  I press the button on my headlamp and there is light!  I begin the steep, downhill journey back to the truck.  The snow has turned slick and fast, crusted over with a veneer of ice.  My skis jump in and out of ruts as I snowplow hard on tight, steep corners.  My knees are growing weary.  Tater keeps pace at my left hip, never leaving my side, and I sing out loud, as boisterously as I can, the Canadian anthem in French because the sound of my voice diffused through the timber seems to roll back the dark.  It’s hard to see.  I fall down once when my left ski bounces out of a rut and smears slowly over a pile of  frozen coyote scat.  I manage to catch myself and draw my body in from the brink of disaster, but sit down hard anyway and laugh out loud over what tripped me up.

We zoom lower and lower, my legs struggle to control my speed now.  I’m tired.  Suddenly we find ourselves at the gate, just beyond is my rig.  I unclip my bindings and crunch over to the truck where I drop my skis in the back along with my pack.  Tater and I hop in our ride, I turn the key in the ignition, halfway to warm the glowplugs, and the rest of the way to turn the engine over into a growly purr.  I turn on the radio, a Keith Urban song is playing, I tap my finger tips on the wheel and sing along as we make for home.

When I reach the house, Robert is in the kitchen cooking dinner.  My face is still stung pink by cold wind and cloud kiss.  He asks me how it was and I declare, “Beautiful and terrifying.  I’m so glad I went.

Honoring Remains

[Honoring Remains Necklace :: sterling silver, Idaho mule deer antler tip, labradorite & prehnite]

[deer skin, Idaho mule deer antler & sterling silver]

Between all the other work I’ve been doing this week, I finished a few medicine pouches.  They’re really such lovely little things…

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I have a mountain of partially completed projects out in the studio — I’m hoping to finish a few up this afternoon.  I just can’t seem to get a full day of work that is free from distraction or the duty of errand running!  I hope you all had a wonderful week.  I can’t believe it’s already Friday again.  I’m in a time warp.

Also, how beautiful is this?

https://www.thenoisyplume.com/blog/2013/02/08/5772/